UnNews:Miliband pledges pledges
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14 February 2015
UK -- Ed Miliband has pledged that he will make pledges in the 100 day lead up to the UK general election. While addressing the Welsh Labour conference, he declared, "Umm...Byddaf yn addo...umm...caws I...err...bawb" - swapping his Danish dictionary for a Welsh one mid-speech. After the Welsh Labour supporter had left he gave an interview with our correspondent, "Look. I want people to know that I will do anything to get in pow...to help them. That's why whatever they want, I will pledge that I will deliver it. In fact I pledge that I will deliver pledges."
This powerful message comes amidst a slight rise in the polls for Labour, after Ed took a holiday. "Labour need to hang onto this lead if they want any chance of winning the general election," commented an esteemed political analyst. Labour's one policy campaign has been pushed aside for a new, fast-paced campaign of blaming the current government for all the problems. A tried and tested tactic that has won almost every election in the UK Parliament's history. Ed Miliband, himself, has pledged that he will win the next general election.
It is an exciting time during the general election campaign, with the first bullet point on the BBC News' article covering the event announcing the news that it is "82 days until the general election", the sort of drama-filled story the BBC hasn't covered since the last general election.
In keeping with the traditional count-down to the general election, each party marks each day with a special event: UKIP announce another wacky policy, the Conservatives draw another line on the capital punishment legislation (sometimes known as a game of hangman), the Liberal Democrats gain another sentence on their collective prison record, another Green Party members has a tantrum about UKIP's media coverage, the Labour Party find another suitable party leader candidate at a lunatic asylum, the BNP gain another £100 from their advert calender and the TUSC boasts about another secondary school student who became a member of their party on their party website front page. Ed Miliband has pledged to stop this time-consuming and worthless tradition.
Many MPs are looking forward to a weekend of canvassing in their constituencies. In West-Tory-Safe-Seat situated in the Home Counties, local MP, 70 year old, Baron Erbert Doublebarrel sits around painting beautiful works of art on canvasses of the local countryside. He then returns to his 15th Century cottage where his art studio is located and paints in large fracking wells and heavy drilling machinery onto his scenic artwork. When our correspondent asked him why he did this, he replied, "I'm using art to show what the effects of these new, so-called "enlightenment" ideals imported from Italy will have on our traditional feudal landscape and culture that we are so proud to have in England. I believe that only the Conservative Party can really stand up against HS2, against fracking and against Italian immigrants." Ed Miliband has pledged to take this safe seat from the Conservative's strong grip.
When asked whether his pledges actually meant anything, considering the lack of action they have prompted, Ed Miliband made a pledge that his pledges would mean something. However some of the population still remains skeptical.
Sources[edit]
- "Miliband pledges 'root and branch' review of HMRC". BBC News, February 14, 2015
- "Campaign countdown - 13th February". BBC News, February 13, 2015