UnNews:Manchester United players 'cooked and ate girls like pieces of meat' at party

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
UnFair and UnBalanced ✪ UnNews ✪ Sunday, December 22, 2024, 04:13:59 (UTC)
Manchester United players 'cooked and ate girls like pieces of meat' at party UnNews Logo Potato.png

19 December 2007

Manchester Utd players, engaging in some ritual canibalism this morning

ENGLISH FOOTBALL SANK FURTHER INTO THE GUTTER last night after police arrested a 19-year-old Manchester United player after a woman claimed she was partially eaten at the team's £4,000 a head Christmas party. The 26-year-old dialled 999 from a hotel where players from the Premiership side allegedly "spit roasted" the body parts of up to 100 girls over a series of open fires.

The accused player, a young squad member who plays at international level, was arrested on suspicion of cannibalism after presenting himself for questioning. He remains in custody and is said to strongly deny any wrongdoing citing his well known "vegetarianism".

Today the full horror of the party was revealed as players were said to be "proactively hunting down females for the single minded intention of spit roasting them for supper." It is also alleged that Manchester United star defender Wayne Rooney was seen nibbling on a human thigh bone!

Unsurprisingly women who were at the party who were fortunately spared from the spit roast complained of being treated like "pieces of meat in a cattle market atmosphere". Sarah Norks, who attended the party, said Rio Ferdinand came over to her and a friend, perched himself on the end of their sofa and "asked if me and my friend would like to go on a spit roast for himself and Christiano Ronaldo!".

"Suffice to say I politely declined. I do not wish to be on anyones dinner plate thankyou very much. I did however offer to take him into the toilets for a hand job, which he found to be an agreeable compromise."

You can read about how big (or otherwise) Ferdinands manhood was in an exclusive interview with Sarah Norks, only in next Sundays Unews Of The World!!.

Sources[edit]

Retrieved from "https://uncyclopedia.com/w/index.php?title=UnNews:Manchester_United_players_%27cooked_and_ate_girls_like_pieces_of_meat%27_at_party&oldid=5376907"