UnNews:Local ASPCA puts the Cat in catapult
| Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Saturday, December 21, 2024, 12:23:59 (UTC) |
| Local ASPCA puts the Cat in catapult | 
|
7 May 2006
 |
UnNews Audio (file info) |
| Listen to this story! | |
Problems playing this file? You might be a dope. |
|
Lawrence, Massachusetts - Three residents of nearby Andover were tragically killed and 47 injured early yesterday, when hundreds of cats fell from the sky. "I haven't seen anything this bad since I was in Tikrit" said Massachusetts State Police Sgt. Katy Wenhampshire. Witnesses said it was all over in less than 5 minutes, but it seemed like hours.
Mrs. Gumby spoke to this reporter from her bed at Boston Specific Hospital. "I was doing a little mulching, you know, since we had the weather for it. First, the cap on my gazebo goes flying by my face, and I hear this horrible howling, so I ran into my house. Then the roof over my head goes "bang!", like a tree fell on it or something. Next thing I know, I've got this great, seething hulk of fur crushing my windpipe. It was the damndest thing!"
A neighbor, who spoke on condition of synonymity, witnessed the carnage from the gigantic window in her great room, said, "God, it was awful! I mean, the hydrant was gushing, people running and screaming, cat shrapnel ripping into their flesh. Jesus, it gave me the creeps!"
The destruction began innocently enough, with the Lawrence ASPCA's new policy on feline population control. A city councilor spoke anonymously; "Look, we don't have much of a city budget to begin with, you know. Just when we thought we'd have to outsource the job, old Bucky dontated the trebuchet he'd build for the Haymarket Fair 20 odd years ago. We (the city councilors) took it upon ourselves to save the city even more and fire those pussies off ourselves. I guess we shouldn't have gotten so liquored up beforehand, you know? I mean, a few belts fired our enthusiasm up, is all I can say." This reporter, sadly, knows what he means.
Inebriated politicians seldom create so much havoc as was seen in this small town neighborhood. Hazmat teams in full environmental containment suits mopped up the mess, hosed cat blood and entrails off victims, and began the slow process of decontaminating the two block area.
"Ultimately, I think this is going to become a Super Fund Cleanup Site, with Federal Aid coming in like gangbusters", said Rhode Island Congressman Patrick Kennedy, shortly before voting on the issue of passing out. "Uncle Teddy (Kennedy, democratic Senator from Massachusetts) should be pleased as a strong rum punch. Federal money coming in means a great party at the compound this summer (i.e. the notorious Kennedy Compound, organized crime headquarters East) . Mmmmmm... strippers."
 |
This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent. |