UnNews:Kenyan bids on Malia Obama

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27 May 2015

The comely 16-year-old First Daughter (left) might be available to an American who can outbid Kenyan Mr. Kiprono.

BURETI, Kenya -- A Kenyan has offered a handsome dowry for the hand of U.S. First Daughter Malia Obama.

Felix Kiprono has offered 70 sheep, 50 cows, and 30 goats for the 16-year-old daughter of the President. The White House Situation Room sprang into action to determine whether higher bids would be forthcoming from another source. Several aides prepared an auction on eBay for the young lady, but could not find any personnel who know how to operate a website.

Mr. Kiprono promises the couple would lead a "simple life," with activities such as cow-milking and preparing traditional Kalinjin cuisine.

Barack Obama has touted his Kenyan roots, and has advocated that Americans also live a simple life, such as giving up their light bulbs, guns, Bibles, "excess" earnings, and health care, but it is not clear whether he would contribute his own daughter to the effort. For example, despite advocating national curriculum "reforms," Malia herself did not attend the Washington, D.C. Public Schools but went to the Sidwell Friends School — the same institution that trained Chelsea Clinton to claim to be a journalist.

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The prospective mother-in-law would have to be satisfied that a beautiful black girl is more accepted in — Kapkatet, did you say? — than she would be in American museums or walking on the front lawn of the White House.

Mr. Kiprono, who is a lawyer but insists that he does not merely want access to the Obama/Soros/Buffett fortune, says he "will propose to her on a popular hill in Bureti near my father’s land called Kapkatet, where leaders and warriors are usually crowned."

White House sources said Mr. Kiprono has the art of a "media stunt" so perfect that he might find employment with them. But media pundits assert that the deal may never go through, as the package would include one Hell of a mother-in-law.

On the other hand, Warren Buffett has advised the President to take the offer on the table, as a small fraction of the livestock would serve to acquire half-brother George Obama and get him out of his tin-roof shack outside Nairobi. Mr. Buffett said, "That would shut up the right wing."

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