UnNews:Judge: New England Patriot Act violates Constitution

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12 September 2007

A shot from one of the "security" cameras in question.

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ (UnNews) - In a setback to the New England Patriots' quest for yet another Super Bowl championship, the United States District Court for the District of New Jersey today found in favor of the New York Jets by ruling that the New England Patriot Act, which grants the New England Patriots the right to engage in warrantless wiretapping of opposing NFL teams through the use of security cameras, violates the Constitution's "separation of football powers" provisions.

In his 1337 page ruling in Mangini v. Belichick, Judge Roger Goodell stated that "the Patriots, through their so-called security cameras, have subverted the separation of football powers in an egregious manner." The Patriot Act, according to Goodell, is "the legislative equivalent of breaking and entering, with an ominous free pass to the hijacking of constitutional values."

In a statement, New York Jets coach Eric Mangini stated that the ruling was "is yet another setback in the New England Patriots' strategy of cheating and demonstrates the far-reaching efforts of this team to use powers that are clearly unconstitutional." The New England Patriots, who remain adamant that their use of the New England Patriot Act to wiretap the Jets did not violate the Constitution, plan to appeal the ruling.

If the ruling is upheld, the Patriots are expected to face an array of penalties which include 3 years in Gitmo for all coaches, a $45 million fine (which will count against the salary cap), and the loss of several draft picks. In particular, the Patriots stand to lose their 6th round pick for every past, present, and future year - which, among other things, means that Tom Brady's rights will be returned to the University of Michigan.

Ladainian Tomlinson also expressed his feelings on the ruling. "The Patriots are cheaters. However, they aren't big-time cheaters. Good thing Mr. Goodell hasn't found out that the Chargers have also been cheating. Oh shit... You didn't hear nothin'..."

Lloyd Carr could not be reached for comment, as he apparently got wasted with a large group of students to celebrate Brady's return to the Wolverines, who have struggled to an 0-2 start this season.

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