UnNews:Joe Biden pledges to nominate a female VP

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Straight talk, from straight faces ✪ UnNews ✪ Thursday, November 21, 2024, 11:13:59 (UTC)
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17 March 2020

Joe describes his perfect mate. She's gotta be a gal.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Upcoming Democratic Party USA Presidential nominee Joe Biden has finally confirmed that his running mate will be a woman. Biden has so far refused to be specific about who this should be. UnNews was granted an interview with Biden to see he made a choice as the Vice Presidential candidate.

UnNews: "Mr Biden, this is something that has been expected for some time. Is it possible to give us a bit more information on who you see as a suitable 'Biden' to your Obama, so to speak?"

Joe Biden (JB): "Much as I would like to name somebody right now so that I can get the name firmly in my head by the time we're elected. Our number boys are still working out the details and have told me firmly it's got to be a woman."

UnNews: "Does this mean that you will not be making the decision personally?"

JB: "In a sense, that's sort of right. Now I think you mentioned ex-President Obama a moment ago. As they said to him some years ago, you've got to select someone who appeals to those Americans who aren't intelligent, self-made, charismatic black people. We know that there are a lot of Americans like that, but not enough to get you over the line. So they did their sums and came up with me as a perfect complement to Barack Obama."

One of Joe Biden's 'memory jog' cards.

UnNews: "And now they are working on finding the perfect complement to you?"

JB: "You've got it. The first thing they told me was that women are getting dangerously close to being electable, so we're going to have to chance it. They tell me that my recent successes are largely due to a comparison with Bernie Sanders attitude to female candidates."

UnNews: "But that doesn't narrow the field a great deal Mr Biden. There are a lot of women in the United States."

JB: "Sure are. And one of them is going to be Vice President."

UnNews: "Obviously you are not going to run a lottery to choose your running mate."

JB: "Course not. First, they had to consider the ethnicity factor. I tell you they lost me in the calculations for that one. Black, white, Latina and a bit of Asian in there, too. Wouldn't hurt to have some Native American, but that was getting difficult and we didn't want to have a hat with only one woman in it to pick."

UnNews: "Apart from ethnicity, what other characteristics are you considering?"

JB: "I was kind of hoping for a good looking one like Melania Trump, but they tell me that I'm okay in the looks department and we have to appeal to the people who are, well, not so beautiful. There are a lot of them, they say."

UnNews: "Okay so a mixed race woman with a face that could crack glass?"

JB: "No, they don't want to go too far in that direction. You know, wholesome, not getting the wives of the country worried. And because I am pretty trim and fit, we have to take that into consideration."

UnNews: "But not an obese couch potato."

'Spillage on Walmart drug counter'.

JB: "By golly, you pick things up pretty quick. Now politically I seem to be a moderate, so there's a real problem in whether to go for a woman leaning toward financial responsibility and the death penalty or a leftie who's into other women. You know that Pete Buttigieg had us worried for a while."

UnNews: "Since the women who have been in the running so far have tended toward the educated and successful, is career a big factor in the equation?"

JB: "You bet it is. We've got to avoid the impression that I'm just there to sign things and smile for the cameras and the VP is really the brains behind the whole shebang. So at the moment we're looking at single mothers who are working as checkout operators."

UnNews: "So I get a sort of broad brush picture of one of the ladies who checks out my beer at Walmart."

JB: "Hey, you're pretty good at this. Have you ever considered going into politics?"

UnNews: "No, but thanks for the interview Mr Biden and good luck with whoever is the lucky lady."

Sources[edit]

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