UnNews:Jake Tapper interviews Covid-19

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Where man always bites dog ✪ UnNews ✪ Thursday, November 21, 2024, 16:19:59 (UTC)
Jake Tapper interviews Covid-19 UnNews Logo Potato.png

10 May 2020

A CNN exclusive: Covid-19 talks to Jake Tapper

Washington D.C. , USA

  • Jake Tapper: Good evening. This is CNN and my name is Jake Tapper. Tonight ladies and gentleman in a television first, we have obtained an interview with the Coronavirus. Also known as Covid-19, SARS-CoV-2 or the disease that is killing Americans and our economy. CNN is able to interview directly the virus behind so much destruction.
  • Covid-19: Thank you Jake for having me on.
  • Tapper : I know you have had a busy, world wide schedule spreading death and sickness but can you tell us why you are doing this?
  • Covid-19: I am glad you asked me this question as I have no meaningful reply to it. You see Mr Tapper - can I call you Jake? - I am a virus. I may be deadlier to your species than others but that's how it goes with us. We are unthinking killing organisms, in fact denied that we're even in any sense alive in the first place...
  • Tapper: So to be clear to the American people, you're unapologetic for what you have done.
  • Covid-19: Yes. Me and my type of viruses like my best buddy SARS, this is what we are genetically engineered to do. Spread ourselves around. We just want to be popular.
  • Tapper: But what you like doing is killing people!
  • Covid-19: Look! We're not the Bubonic Plague Jake. We do kill a percentage of people - that's true, but most people who meet us and touch us, survive the experience. Some say they enjoy the hallucinations without having to take unsafe drugs.
  • Tapper: Our listeners and viewers will not be comforted by this.
  • Covid-19: Humans kill far more of us than we kill you. So it all balances out.
  • Tapper : At CNN we do believe in political fairness but I am not sure we can extend that to a virus like yourself.
  • Covid-19: Humans find it hard to treat anything else as an equal. We've watched what you did with the giant spiders in Starship Troopers...
  • Tapper : But that is a movie. We're talking about the here and now.
  • Covid-19: We don't see any difference. This planet isn't designed for just humans. If it was, you would have no problem killing us all or nearly all like smallpox.
  • Tapper : So, do you have an overall plan, an endgame?
  • Covid-19 As a virus we only know one thing. Multiple and infect.
The V Word
  • Tapper : That's two things.
  • Covid-19: Yes. Well, you get what we mean.
  • Tapper : Do you think the American government has done as much as it can to fight you?
  • Covid-19: If what we have seen so far is your best, makes me wonder what your worse would have been.
  • Tapper : Can I mention the The V Word?
  • Covid-19: Viruses don't have sex.
  • Tapper : Vaccines.
  • Covid-19: Oh those party poopers! Humans always need those to fight us. Why not just recommend injecting bleach like President Donald Trump or shine a light up your own ass?
  • Tapper: I want to apologise for those last comments from our guest.
  • Covid-19: Sorry, I thought this was the Alex Jones show.
  • Tapper: Thank you. So can you tell us what happens next? Are you viruses intending to mutate in future??
  • Covid-19: Possibly. We will have to see what is going to be sprayed or thrown at us.
  • Tapper : Thank you Covid-19 for coming on tonight.
  • Covid-19: Thank you Jake. See you in a few weeks time. We know where you live. Spread a little...[Cut off]
  • Tapper: Next on tonight we talk to Nancy Pelosi and ask about Joe Biden. Is he still out there?




Sources[edit]

Retrieved from "https://uncyclopedia.com/w/index.php?title=UnNews:Jake_Tapper_interviews_Covid-19&oldid=6121307"