UnNews:It is still time for Americans to MoveOn

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? ✪ UnNews ✪ Thursday, November 21, 2024, 15:15:59 (UTC)
It is still time for Americans to MoveOn UnNews Logo Potato.png

1 July 2016

The Attorney General is a naïf best-known for her starring role as The Farmer's Daughter and television anthologies that went out of reruns before most Uncyclopedians were born.

PHOENIX, Arizona -- In a story that will have no legs because there is nothing to see here, Hillary Clinton's husband had a chance unscripted encounter with U.S. Attorney General Loretta Young at Sky Harbor airport here.

The unplanned meeting did not occur at the airport terminal, where most travelers bump into an old acquaintance by surprise, but in a private jet on the tarmac, which by some accounts was neither the jet Mr. Clinton flew in on nor the one Ms. Young flew in on. The Attorney General said the chat lasted thirty minutes and involved comparing photos of grandchildren. Cases before the Attorney General — such as the notorious one concerning Hillary's misuse of secret documents in a private email server hidden under manure and hay on the Back Forty in her estate at Chappaqua, New York — never came up, although there are millions of Americans to show baby pictures to, and only one with whom to discuss brooming a federal felony case against his wife.

The surprise how-strange-to-see-you-here was arranged by the Secret Service agents guarding both participants. It occurred on Monday and was reported on Wednesday by local TV Channel 15, which apparently had not gotten the memo from the ABC network about not embarrassing Hillary. Both participants in the meeting issued statements denying any impropriety. The Attorney General had a press release announcing she will receive and evaluate the FBI investigation of Hillary — reassuring the public that she will not toss it straight into the trash. Meanwhile, Mr. Clinton wagged his finger and guaranteed Americans that "I did not have sex with that woman" — although, by all accounts, he is able to get it done in thirty minutes, not counting the time to find ice for the bite marks.

Hillary has referred to the FBI case as a "security audit" of her data practices — except that the FBI does not do audits. Otherwise, it would be the FBA. She warned that copycats in the media are seizing on this news item merely because of the dozens of other ethics investigations swirling around her, and that reporters need to "#MoveOn" before they fatigue the American public. She then opened the floor to questions, but was unable to hear reporters who were kept behind the rope line.

Earlier this week, the Attorney General had issued a statement explaining that her department is going to investigate the Muslim who killed 49 people at a homosexual nightclub in Orlando through greater understanding, love, and unity — and perhaps by sending James Taylor to Florida to again sing You've Got a Friend to the survivors, as he is sort of gay. Democrats in Congress said this bold approach had already eliminated all uncertainty that the fix might be in.

Donald Trump, for his part, referred to the remarks of his likely Presidential opponent as "sad" — and if Mr. Trump says he is said, this reporter has no basis on which to question it. He then turned his attention to international trade, promising not just not to enact new, secret treaties, but to tear up those that the U.S. has already signed. He again lauded the United Kingdom for voting to leave the European Union, but insisted, when it comes to throwing commerce into chaos, "America can do better."

Sources[edit]

Retrieved from "https://uncyclopedia.com/w/index.php?title=UnNews:It_is_still_time_for_Americans_to_MoveOn&oldid=6172727"