UnNews:Irish Republican Army to ascend into Heaven

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We have met the enemy, and he is us ✪ UnNews ✪ Sunday, December 22, 2024, 03:06:59 (UTC)
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In the newest of a string of recent peace-loving acts, the IRA has collectively agreed to ascend into Heaven this Thursday.

The announcement marks an end to all "physical aggression" by the ex-terrorist organization.

"We knew we were heading in the right direction when we swore off terrorism and gave up our weapons," mused IRA member Kasey McIntyre, "And we were definitely feeling some positive effects by the time we donated our funds to that chidren's hospital and sponsored the national kitten shelter initiative. But we feel that the IRA's leaf will not fully be turned over until we transcend the material plane on October 6th."

Critics continue to maintain that the ascension's sole purpose is to give the IRA access to the throne room of God, where, according to anti-IRA spokesman Gina Whitcombe, "they will resume their barbarous acts of terrorism against the British people, possibly through ghostly means."

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