UnNews:Governors make World Series bet

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Democracy Dies with Dignity ✪ UnNews ✪ Thursday, November 21, 2024, 14:16:59 (UTC)
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26 October 2015

No sooner did the Royals arrive in New York than gunplay broke out, against which players' only countermeasures were camouflage shirts and bottles of fizzy drinks.

NEW YORK CITY -- The governors of New York and Missouri, whose baseball teams are in the World Series, have made the ceremonial bet that their states' teams will win the contest.

The bet is between Missouri governor Jay Nixon, whose Kansas City Royals are in the championship series, and New York governor Andrew Cuomo, where the New York Mets hope to win the best-of-seven. Nixon's political career in the Midwest experienced a resurgence when people finally forgot about Richard Nixon, who is no relation. No one has forgotten about Gov. Cuomo's father, Mario Cuomo, but Gov. Cuomo has already informed citizens for whom that would be a problem that they are no longer welcome in the state.

Gov. Cuomo has agreed to wear a Royals jersey for a full day of "work" if the Royals win, as he is confident that no one around him will so much as smirk. He will also ride a tractor around the Back Forty (if Hillary Clinton will loan out her Chappaqua backyard, ground the drones, and curb the pit bulls). Gov. Nixon, for his part, agreed to experience anal rape and to refuse to cooperate with the police.

The governors also exchanged baskets of their states' products, as a small token of good will and a large token that large campaign contributions will get the Governor to promote your commercial product. Gov. Nixon sent a savory assortment of cow "chips" to New York, while Gov. Cuomo sent West a basket of "loosies," which are cigarettes sold in the popular "one-pack" before the seller dies in a choke-hold.

Followers of the news were relieved, not just at the light-hearted substitute for the typical fare of gun massacres on toddlers' birthdays, panic-in-the-skies, and frightening weather, but because it is October and time for this annual "news" to be trotted out again. Newsrooms were likewise relieved to be able to weave a story out of official press releases and avoid time-consuming "investigative reporting."

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