UnNews:Gorbachev calls for "Museum Purge"

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5 June 2008

"This filth stood before me degrades the very substance of our Glorious nation. No, this is just a harmless list of War Crimes. Nothing to see here."

MOSCOW, Russia - Today, former President of the USSR Mikhail Gorbachev has signed a petition demanding that Russia's museums, detailing the history of abuse that was widespread under Communist rule, be shut down, or as he put it "purged like American Vodka". The petition, originally instated by the remains of the once powerful Communist party, calls for the closure of all museums with any link to the history of the Gulag, KGB, or any other important Soviet State instruments, and that Museum Directors join the ranks of paedophiles and murderers in prison.

Speaking for the Communist Party, Ivan Rachelov said: "We are in danger of remembering the perhaps-brutal past of the glorious rule of the Communist Party. It is of the utmost importance that such sour and biased evidence is suppressed. Our Dear Leader, Josef Stalin, would be spinning in his grave with the pace of a thousand steel hammers, sufficient to reconquer Hungary again, if he knew of this scandal." Party Officials plan to hold "ceremonial" book-burning sessions in the abandoned prisons littered across Moscow, because "this will purify the atmosphere".

The period of History causing most issues is that of 1937, when Stalin, in a bid to re-launch his ailing 'lame duck' presidency of the USSR, announced his latest PR initiative, the "Great Purge". Communist hard-liners claim this was the turning point in Stalin's economic transformation of Russia, and an innovative post-election campaign strategy, whilst Western historians tend to focus on the large amounts of starvation, repression and extermination caused to some extent by this policy. However, they tend to be discredited in Russian circles as a bunch of whining Amnesty International fanatics.

Mr. Gorbachev, famous for precipitating the collapse of the Soviet Union, commented upon this turbulent period of his nation's heritage: "This culture of Imperialist Transparency and Openness is affecting the state of our nation. Political Discretion, some call it repression, is a fundamental part of the glorious history of our motherland. This corruption from independent historians, and museum directors, both perverts the stability of the Russian government and corrupts the fabric of our culture."

Mr. Gorbachev's idea joins Iran's 'Museum to the Holocaust that never was' on the list of tasteless museum choices.