UnNews:Good News New Orleans: Ecological Devastation Also Wiped Out Fire Ants

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? UnNews Tuesday, July 23, 2024, 22:01:59 (UTC)

Good News New Orleans: Ecological Devastation Also Wiped Out Fire Ants UnNews Logo Potato.png

25 June 2006

Famed technical illustrator and meteorologist Carl Sagan developed this simulation of a fortuitous Hurricane Katrina purging New Orleans of deadly fire ants, saving the rest of God's country from a terrible fate.

NEW ORLEANS, LOUISIANA -- Residents of greater New Orleans area can rest easy now, secure in the knowledge that they've fulfilled their patriotic duty, just by living through Hurricane Katrina. Today President Bush signed into law an Act which excuses survivors of the Katrina from military service in, "certain hostile territories", which he jokingly referred to as, "a get out of Iraq free card".

This act of generosity on the part of the Federal government is "pay-for-pain" incentive. According to a Washington insider, "The hurricane was so destructive, that it uprooted all the colonies of red fire ants which had gained a foothold in the [1]. Our guys in statistics predicted most of the lower 48 states would be infested with fire ants by 2035, and now that they've been pushed back, we think we've gotten another 10 years added to that."

'"Originally I thought the good thing that came out of that was me getting extra vacation time,"' a mildly drunk George said earlier today, '"but then I realized that those hokey liberal folks might not agree with that. Then I thought maybe that the good thing was the death of all them black peoples, but black people might not agree with that and might get the idea that I didn't care about them[2]. By that time I had already overused my thinkbone for the day and my brain had started to burn my scalp from all the hard thinkin', so I decided I'd use my team of science peoples to fix my problem." After that he just did his annoying little "heh, heh, heh" giggle for roughly ten minutes.

A team of statisticians hired to fudge these results, officially referred to as People Researching Important Common KnowledgeS (P.R.I.C.K.S. for short), has been in Dubya's employ since shortly after 9/11. Their research shows that, although the actual storm did kill many a fire ant, it was the late response that starved the fire ants into eating each other alive. These fire ants, had they survived to the next full moon, would have almost surely[3] decimated all of Louisiana and turned it into their own titular nest-hive.


  1. New Orleans area
  2. See: Kanye West.
  3. Bush himself optimistically estimated a 50% chance. But that's optimistic.