UnNews:God has tightened his "bible belt"

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Democracy Dies with Dignity UnNews Friday, June 2, 2023, 08:55:59 (UTC)

God has tightened his "bible belt" UnNews Logo Potato.png

1 May 2008

Today the Vatican received an announcement from God, AKA G-Man, Our Father, The Father, The Son, The Holy Ghost and every other title you can think of.

This announcement is the most shocking one in religious history; God has been forced to tighten his bible belt in light of the recent world wide credit crunch. It seems that even God has been tempted by all the 100% mortgages that were flying around a few years back!

Local Authorities in the USA have published a map to estimate where the new Bible belt will be located. The People of Tennessee and Kansas have been informed of their exclusion. People in Georgia and Louisiana may experience a reduction in the number of religious experiences occurring in their states due to a partial reduction in their belt area.

The Old Belt and The New Belt

This style of reduction has actually happened twice before. The first one was at The Beginning of Time when the population of Heaven was reduced due to the sudden rise in house prices thus forcing Satan out of heaven. The popular news reporter at the time John Milton recalls this vividly:

“Hurled headlong flaming from th'ethereal sky. With hideous bungalows and construction down. To bottomless estate agency, there to dwell. In insurance chains and penal equity”

~ John Milton on The eviction of Satan due to the lack of affordable housing


However mankind did not exist at this time and the only person who truly suffered was Satan himself. Only one image remains from this horrible crisis and it clearly expresses the horror Satan felt as he found out his 3 bedroom semi had been repossessed.

Satan sees the infamous sign

The second cutback by God was caused by God discovering that there was not enough room around his table for a banquet. As a result the New England Calvanists were left out of a party during the 1880's. A reporter at the time composed a comment in a similar vein to Milton:

“Was God so economical? His table is too high for us and the robins stole our cherries! So we stole the crumbs off the sparrows and they starved”

~ Emily Dickinson on How to get one over on 'first time buyers' and birds

The only other probable conclusion is that further cutbacks from Heaven are coming. It is believed that because "The whole world is in His hands" we can expect to find ourselves losing land rapidly. After the recent detaching of California it is possible that Siberia or Alaska could be erased due to space reasons. It is clear that these events could become apocalyptic or alternatively no bigger than the last movie starring Vince Vaughn.

We need the further assistance of intelligent folk such as Declan Curry and the BBC breakfast team. The Pope published a final statement from God on this subject of cutbacks. The following are the exact words of God:

I've dropped a jean size! Sorry Guys!

Perhaps these are not financial cutbacks then, if so then the only party we can blame are Weightwatchers. After all we all know God has been dieting since the Tudor Ages, otherwise how would you ever explain the Renaissance?