UnNews:From Scottish zero to British hero: Arise Sir Shandy Murray

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8 July 2013

I want a receipt for this.

LONDON, United Kingdom --

Perfect strangers kissed and hugged, impromptu street parties were thrown and drunk men dropped their trousers to proclaim their 'unity' with the Scots as Andrew Murray finally pulled the big one and became Wimbledon tennis champion on Sunday. The day before 'Shandy Murray' was just 'that weak beer Scots whinger'. Today, Murray is Scotland Britain.

In scenes not since Winston Churchill waved his cigar at the end of World War Two, the day Boudica burnt London or Mel Gibson stepped before the camera in blue paint have people celebrated. In a thrilling one sided match, British Andy smashed the Serbian 'tight abs' Novak Djokovic alway the back to Belgrade. It was the day the Jock beat the Djoke. When Murray hit his winner, Victoria Beckham took of her dress and stood proudly in the celebrity royal box in her own label underwear. It was a hot day and how many men present wished they were wearing a kilt for some extra wind circulation.

Victoria Beckham strips to undies in celebration.

Andrew Murray said he owed his victory to Ivan Lendl, the foreign former champion with the hollowed cheeks and smile-free face and Murray's family back in Dunblane, Scotland. Tearful politicians like British Prime Minister David Cameron and Scotland's First Minister Alex Salmond were desperate to wrap their respective flags around Murray's shoulders. The Queen said she would be biking a knighthood round to Murray's hotel and that as was tradition, Murray would be able to marry any member of the royal family - but only as long as they were female. There was no mention of corgis or horses.

Murray's championship victory was the first since George 'Oily' Toffington's last minute overhead bomb drop on Chris 'Fritz' Huhne in 1945. Breathless television and radio commentators had to order in new supplies of cliches and hyperbole when their stock ran low. As for - soon to be Sir Andrew - doors will be opened, tongues unfurled and bank accounts opened in Monaco so that he will be able to enjoy his new status.


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