UnNews:Fat chicks outlawed in Japan

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Where man always bites dog UnNews Tuesday, July 23, 2024, 21:30:59 (UTC)

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2 February 2007

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The Emperor of Japan after announcing the new laws

TOKYO, Japan -- The Emperor of Japan today announced that being obese and female whilst residing anywhere in Japan was a crime and punishable by death by being cooked alive in a giant oven, with the food then sold as a delicacy. The new laws will come into effect on February 11 2007, and special Anti-Fat task forces, similar to the Secret Police of World War II will enforce them.

The move has been welcomed by much of the Japanese population, however there are reports of rioting on the streets of Tokyo, where many perverted Japanese men get their kicks from watching fat American tourists through their bedroom windows.

Fat people like her will soon be hunted down and made to squeal like the piggy she is 悲鳴は脂肪質のブタを好む

There are also fears of a strike amongst Sumo wrestlers, as the Japanese are the current title holders of the women's Sumo wrestling title, however it must be said that most of the contestants are more man than most Japanese men anyway.

The UN has welcomed the move, and has encouraged other countries to do the same. They also recommended that the USA allow special UN Fat Inspectors to enter the country to see just how wide-spread the problems are, as well as develop strategies for dealing with the aftermath.

Critics of the idea of cooking the fat chicks alive state that it is uneconomic, and instead recommend burning them as fossil fuels. A report in 2000 by Dr. Henry Fatkins declared that a single porker could provide enough power to light up to 1 million homes for 3 hours straight.

McDonalds released a statement earlier today stating that in spite of the fact that the move may lose them around 60% of their customer base, they believe the world would be a better place if fat people were disposed of permanently, and are currently investigating if fat bloaters are a suitable substitute to make McRib sandwiches out of, now that the previous animal (Windows Vista developers) has become extinct.

Obese Japanese hunks are exempted from this new ruling. However in light of the recent appearance of Jabba the Hutt in manga comics, the culling may also be extended to males in the near future.

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