UnNews:FDA declares Mad Cool disease an epidemic

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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard UnNews Monday, July 22, 2024, 06:49:59 (UTC)

FDA declares Mad Cool disease an epidemic UnNews Logo Potato.png

6 March 2008

USA--Those pesky teenagers. Constantly playing pranks, dressing in seizure-inducing clothing, and vandalizing property...the shenanigans they get into have no limits. That's why most Americans have learned to put up with them. While some esteemed doctors have warned that they are a menace, most people realize that any real threat they once held has long since been suppressed by the immunity sane people have developed against them.

That's all about to change, however, according to a recent press release by the FDA. It warns that a new strain of Teenage Dementia has been running rampant around America, infecting millions. Unfortunately, as they so frequently are, the old and very young are the most vulnerable to the terrifying illness.

A victim of Mad Cool disease.

It's called "Mad Cool Disease". Scientists have feared its development since the Teenage Dementia virus abruptly disappeared after the panics of the 90s. Its symptoms include dressing in clothing entirely inappropriate for one's age (seen any old women in short shorts and tank tops recently?), embarrassing one's children by trying to be "cool", and using terms like "wicked" or "sick" that indicate the more serious stages of the disease.

Henry Buggalow, of New Jersey (an area hit particularly hard), told UnNews what the disease is like firsthand. The victim? His father.

"Me and my friends were at the park, skateboarding," he says, his hands clenching and un-clenching nervously, his eyes scanning the room rapidly as if expecting to see a large monkey wielding a knife leap through the window and rape him. "You know, just...hanging out. And then...then..." He gasps for breath, and a single tear runs down his cheek. "My dad came up. On a skateboard." A small sob. "He's fifty, you know? And his pants are down to his ankles...and he's wearing 3 oversized T-shirts..." With tremendous effort, he finishes, "And he said, 'What's up'?"

From there, he breaks down sobbing, not even noticing the knife-wielding monkey bursting through the window until it's raping him.

Doctors say that the disease is currently untreatable. This may come as a shock to many, but the FDA tells us that they are hard at work on a cure, and that they will keep us updated as much as they can. More information when it becomes available. Peace...out.