UnNews:Exxon clears way to put pedophile on Board

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? UnNews Tuesday, June 6, 2023, 18:46:59 (UTC)

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26 May 2016

Shareholders defeated a resolution requiring the company to sell gasoline to everyone for half price, but backers promise they will submit it again next year.

DALLAS, Texas -- ExxonMobil (NYSE: XOM) has been shamed into approving a shareholder measure that could put a pedophile on the Board of Directors.

The measure merely lets shareholders nominate outsiders to sit on the Board and be listed as a candidate in the prospectus. Fully 60% of shareholders voted that the heart of American capitalism should not list a single slate, as though it were the Soviet Union or the Ladies' Garden Club.

Actually electing a pedophile would require that the company undergo further shaming next year, but Senior Editors at UnNews are up to the challenge. New York City Comptroller Scott Stringer, who sponsored the proposal, said he was not looking to seat a pedophile but merely a relatively benign eco-warrior. But headlines in the business press said it was a fait accompli that the Board's Compensation Committee would be joined by a new Molestation Committee. Eleven other environmentalism proposals crashed and burned as though pre-soaked in gasoline, suggesting that corporate pederasty was voters' true agenda.

This year's vote was arguably the tensest ever, though attendees did not let on. The meeting was mere months after the game-changing Paris accord, and at a time that the New York State Attorney General is suing Exxon for not sufficiently touting its harm to the planet.

Exxon chief Rex Tillerson argued against the proposal, saying it would invite more activism in future years, and that activists smell bad. However, the most likely result is that there will be many more than eleven environmental questions on next year's ballot, plus several Board candidates who will argue that the company should do the right thing and save the planet by losing money on every gallon.

Activists sprang up across the street and out of nose-shot, with signs reading, "Keep it in the ground!" However, ballot proposals that the Company shut down, fire everyone, and reduce the value of all its shares to zero will have to wait until next year.