UnNews:Edsel charged with domestic abuse

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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard UnNews Saturday, June 22, 2024, 03:35:59 (UTC)

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5 July 2016

Edsel warned his wife that the next time she burned dinner, he would call on My Mother the Car.

DETROIT, Michigan -- Continuing a trend of news stories that pile blame onto SUVs when their drivers cause traffic accidents, police have arrested an Edsel for domestic abuse.

Edsel Ford II, a 1948 coupe "available in any color the customer wants, as long as it is black," had an altercation with his wife in Grosse Pointe Farms, a tony suburb of Detroit where domestic violence is the only option open to lawbreakers, as burglary is passe.

A court official said over the phone that prosecutors had decided not to file misdemeanor charges. A Detroit Free Press reporter tweeted that was a "very minor" physical assault and the city attorney did not have enough evidence for a case.

Police advised the Edsel that, if he intended to slap his wife around further, he should drive her out to Dearborn first, and preferably wait until the calls to prayer from the minarets distract the lawmen.