UnNews:Dick Cheney fails to recruit any hunting buddies in the Middle East

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? UnNews Tuesday, June 18, 2024, 06:36:59 (UTC)

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26 March 2008

There are wabbits in the desert.

9th Level of Hell, Basement -- Dick Cheney, recently driven overseas by a puzzling lack of shootin' enthusiasts at home, reported back to the USA with the ever-worsening news that nobody over there wants to go hunting with him either, in spite of his clever "Pipelines for peace" proposals and the shooting an un-tallied number of civilians during his visit.

We caught up with Dick Cheney, or Master DC as he is known to Satan, in his home state of Jesusland, where he was greeted by a gunfire. After a jovial exchange, akin to a jolly old game of paintball, DC himself then asserted to those still standing "I've heard about those guys over there, quite a ways out of sight. I mean, I've practically written the book on their suicidal, desperate, brainwashed nature. But even still, as crazy as I repeatedly claim they are, not one Mohammed Bin Laden was interested in working out their mutual, 3000 year-old problems with a good old fashioned Texas shootin'." Master DC then told a heartwarming story about how he was pretty sure that several people were terrorists, but they then turned out to be members of his envoy who were sleeping. DC's envoy traditionally consists of robot paramedics designed to sustain the lifespan of those the Master chooses to torture at will.

CIA agents were seen hurling themselves from rooftops throughout the duration of Dick Cheney's 10 day mission to boldly hunt where no Vice President has hunted before. One broken official, somehow resistant to the mandatory brainwashing you get in the CIA to terminate yourself in the event of mission failure, confessed at a local bar that Dick Cheney's ability to let loose with the occasional hail of bullets was their last hope to asplode various well-protected extra-terrestrial beings in charge of a mysterious black substance in the desert.

Before he could elaborate further, gun-slinging cowboys sprung fully-armed from his eye sockets and quickly leapt back up his nostrils, likely to perform a spontaneous lobotomy, proving once again that you don't mess with the US of A.

Citizens of the world could not be reached for comment as they appeared to be otherwise occupied with 'hunkering down' in preparation for no longer being able to eat, drink water or drive anywhere.


HHe- duher