UnNews:Carson leaves presidential race

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5 March 2016

Carson suggesting that the Tower of Pisa leans because "it was used to store grain".

NATIONAL HARBOR, Maryland -- Retired neurosurgeon Ben Carson is now also a retired nominee for the 2016 Republican presidential nominee, having quit the race after mistakenly entering. Carson suspended his campaign in a non-emotional speech at National Harbor, stating that he accidentally ran for president when actually attempting to "order some tacos." The neurosurgeon, 64, claimed that he typed "Taco Bell" into Bing, but accidentally clicked the wrong link as "it's hard to use a computer when your eyes are closed"; many have suggested that this explains the fact that he was using Bing in the first place. Carson stated, however, that having his eyes closed helped him when performing a lobotomy; he did not have to see the blood that way.

Once informed by his wife that he was running for president, Carson became known for his unorthodox views. His theory that "the Pyramids of Giza were built to store grain" ended up sending Gov. Chris Christie on a flight to Egypt, and Carson also poo-poohed the theory of evolution, asking that "if there is some force evolving to the maximum, why isn't everything a human?", using Donald Trump as an example.

Carson's stance on global warming was that "we may be warming, we may be cooling." But voters did not warm to Carson, despite finding him cool earlier on in the election. The surgeon had an early spike in support in the polls; this still cannot be scientifically explained. It is possible that some voters mistook the neurosurgeon for Johnny Carson; others may have needed a lobotomy themselves and thought that the best way to get one would be to appear to support Ben Carson.

Carson's support dropped massively after the debates started, with Carson's somnambulant style failing to impress voters. While some candidates wished to act "cool" (Marco Rubio attempted this by drinking large amounts of chilled, bottled water), there is conjecture that Ben Carson may have actually been comatose during the initial Fox News debate. Despite finishing a terrible fourth place in the Iowa caucuses, just behind Rubio's victorious third place, Carson stayed in the competition for the other primaries, only briefly returning to his home in Maryland to get some more pyjamas. Carson was a candidate in New Hampshire, Nevada and South Caaaaaaaa.....aaa...zzzzz...

...sorry, where was I? Oh, yeah - caucuses.

Super Tuesday fell very flat for Carson, as if he had removed part of its brain. Carson placed fourth in the southern states, and a distant sixth in New England caucuses, behind Trump, Ted Cruz, Trump's hair, Rubio and John Kasich. Due to this, Carson woke up and decided to end his campaign. Not much is known about what he will do next, with Carson hinting that he may endorse Trump, Cruz, or "that Clinton lady they're all talking about - yeah, Hillary, that one". It has also been speculated that he will give himself a lobotomy as he would "have to be mad for to run in the first place", something he says will be easy because he "does not require an anaesthetic".