UnNews:Buick Indicted for manslaughter

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

Suspect allegedly tried to escape through one of four doors

Your A.D.D. news outl — Oooh, look at the pictures! UnNews Sunday, November 28, 2021, 20:58:59 (UTC)

Buick Indicted for manslaughter UnNews Logo Potato.png

26 May 2006

Not the suspect car, but one that looks just like it. They all look alike to me...

Washington, DC - Following a gunshot in the Rayburn Building garage in the Capitol's campus, DC area police have captured what they say is the lead suspect in this terrorist attack: a grey 1996 Buick Park Avenue. "This Buick, which has not been previously seen in the area by any of the security staff, was seen on the C-4 area of the Rayburn parking garage", said Police Sergeant Kimberly Schnieder. "We have reason to believe that this strange car may have opened fire in the garage before being subdued by 4 police cars and an armored truck." Sergeant Schneider could not comment on the Buick's condition or the name, she could only say that the car was guilty as Hell.

While details of what happened are still sketchy, it appears that this incident was set off by the Volkswagen who was shot. According to the Buick's lawyer, the Volkswagen started shouting racial slurs, including questioning the Buick's "reliability" and making reference to the "low quality" of the Buick's "manufacture". Apparently, the questioning of the superiority of the Buick's manufacturing plant is what set off the firefight. Luckily, the Volkswagen is in fair condition, though a person inside the car was, unfortunately, killed.

This particular incident has rubbed raw several tense civil rights issues in the United States in an election year. In a strange bipartisan twist, the fact that the D.C. area police will screen cars to stop weapons from entering the Capitol building until it's deemed safe has been cited by both the NRA and the ACLU as a violation of the Bill of Rights. The NRA claims that these security measures interferes with the God-given right for cars to bear arms, while the ACLU frets that the DC area police are starting a dangerous precedent by profiling. "Why are only cars being screened for weapons in the Capitol area? Why not bicycles or squirrels?" asked ACLU member Summer Stream. "This is yet another example of police abuses based on weak pretext."

President Bush's spokesman has released a statement saying that: "The inalienable rights of these cars will be returned as soon as possible. This is yet another incident proving that we must be vigilant in a post 9-11 world." Capitol police have noted that these measures are only temporary, and that as soon as it is deemed safe, cars will be allowed to bring whatever they want into the Capitol parking area again.