UnNews:Boston avoids exciting nil-nil draw

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30 November 2014

Charlie Davies holds a trophy for not having won the league championship quite yet.

FOXBORO, Massachusetts -- The New England Revolution of America's Major League Soccer (MLS) avoided an ambiguous result in their championship match against the New York Red Bulls.

The Boston team hosted the game Saturday night at Gillette Stadium, which is nowhere near Boston. The game ended in a jubilant 2-2 tie. By rule, that made the Revolution the winner. Winning the game would have made them the winner too; so would losing, 1-nil. Losing 2-1, however, would have sent the game to extra time, and losing 3-2 would have made them the loser.

Revolution forward Charlie Davies lamented that Americans find the sport confusing. But radio and television provides color commentators with real Scottish accents. This means that baffled viewers hoping for Intentional Grounding or Backfield in Motion to make some money on their fantasy team can sit back, close their eyes, and just enjoy the lilting, effeminate brogue.

The Red Bulls are sponsored by the invigorating energy drink of the same name, while it is not known what the Revolution are named after. The Revolution now face the winner of Sunday's equally unambiguous Western Conference championship between the Seattle Ruth's Chris Steak House and the Los Angeles Taco Bell Kick Más.