UnNews:Blaser gets Nobel Prize for cup-holder

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Straight talk, from straight faces UnNews Thursday, December 2, 2021, 06:03:59 (UTC)

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22 October 2014

Blaser's tiny coffee cup fits perfectly in the F-150 tailgate. But there is still no place to recharge the iPod.

DETROIT, Michigan -- Automotive engineer Kevin Blaser has received the 2014 Nobel Peace Prize for his last-minute suggestion that the new, all-aluminum, Ford F-150 pick-up truck get two coffee-cup holders in its tailgate.

Blaser, a stamping process and design manager, says he and his buddies inevitably end up hanging around the back of a pick-up truck when he's out hunting birds and Negroes near his home here. There's "no flat spot for your coffee" and if your shotgun shells roll off the back of the tailgate, "you are shit-out-of-luck," Blaser says, employing a Detroitism that seems to mean, "out-of-luck."

Blaser was perfectly situated to suggest this improvement when the stamping molds for the new model were being developed, and Ford rushed his suggestion into production without the company's usual four-year design review. He is confident the deep indentations will not be hard to clean and will not attract corrosion, as there are no lakes anywhere near Detroit whose water is salty or occasionally sprays up.

Blaser's last pathbreaking innovation implemented without design review, when he worked for GM, was easier ignition key-locks on his eponymous "Chevy Blaser" that let the vehicles be switched on and off with a gentle nudge, setting the stage for lucrative product recalls, lawsuits and Congressional hearings.

Malala Yousafzai, who had been claiming she had won the Nobel Peace Prize, had to confess that all she did was take a couple bullets for women's rights and that she had no actual engineering input into the F-150 truck.

Blaser says he will invest the Nobel prize money in Lottery tickets, as any Detroiter would. The Nobel committee, in Finland or whatever, will now continue to try to ban bird hunting entirely, though Americans will still be allowed to hang around the tailgate and reminisce.