UnNews:Big Tex dies; many children rejoice
| A newsstand that's brimming with issues | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Monday, December 30, 2024, 17:36:59 (UTC) |
| Big Tex dies; many children rejoice | 
|
22 October 2012
Dallas, Texas -- Big Tex, the famous giant cowboy, died last Friday, consequence of a sudden electrical fire in the talking mechanism. It was his 60th birthday. Little Isabel, a six-year-old Latina, who saw everything, was visibly relieved. She said, "He was creepy enough already. And he was still talking! AAAAAAAAA! I want my mommy! Quiero irme a mi casa!"
That's right, folks. Big Tex was still talking even as he burned.
"Big Tex molested me when I was ten!" said Vasiliki, a 15-year-old girl visiting from Greece. "It was horrible! After five years, I still can't walk right!"
His life[edit]
Big Tex, patron saint of all things fried, started out as a 49-foot Santa Claus in 1949, and as such, he dwarfed even the greatest real giants. But then, in 1952, some dodo of a Texan, clearly stoned on oil, decided that it would be better if, instead of a giant creepy Santa Claus, he could be a giant creepy cowboy.
And so it was. And although Big Tex has had many changes of image over the years (starting with becoming 52 feet tall), one thing was certain to remain the same: He would always frighten the children. In fact, later in his long and eventful life, his mouth decided to declare independence from his voice. This made him even creepier.
Reportedly, his last words were "This is Big Tex. Uh-oh."
The Catholic church has said that they will think about canonizing America's favorite creeper as "Saint Tex of the Fritangas (fried foods)."
Rest in pieces, you creepy bastard.
Sources[edit]
- the BBC "Texas State Fair icon 'Big Tex' destroyed in fire". BBC, 19 October 2012
- CBS News "Funeral held for Big Tex statue". CBS, 23 October 2012
Kill it with fire!
“AAAAAA! I want my mommy!”
“AAAAAAA! Go away, you big scary woman! Leave me alone!”
Vasiliki, so scared that she is attempting to crawl back home
