UnNews:Baptist minister confounded, now hates everybody

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4 April 2006

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Former anti-homosexual propagandist Baptist minister Fred Phelps of Topeka, Kansas, was recently released from National Naval Medical Center, where he had been hospitalized for confusion. Sources close to The Source say he collapsed during a weenie roast after witnessing several alien abductions/anal probings. Phelps was comatose for 3 days, during which time he visited God at His summer estate on Marthas Vineyard. Upon regaining conciousness, the Reverend recited his revelation that everyone was a fag, except him. Slack-jawed followers quickly made up signs berating everybody from dead soldiers to "fag enablers" and protested in front of the reverend's hospital room. Chants of, "God hates everyone except Rev. Phelps!" could be heard as far away as Wenham, Massachusetts.

Protestors angry at the entire human race.

Long admired by American Nazis for his focused rage against homosexuals, Phelps' hatred began as a child with his facination with all things rectal. Raised by fanatical missionaries in Borneo, he kept his pent up homosexual urges to himself. Years of mental unbalance undisturbed by counseling, transformed his self-hatred into a radical, seething anti-gay agenda. Until recently, his "God Hates Fags" ministry was his all consuming passion.

Fired with a new purpose, he's transformed his organization into "God Hates Everyone Except Me". Most members were confused at the outset, not knowing who the "Me" referred to. Clarification will be made at a press conference on April 10.

In an unrelated incident, Charles DeGaulle, Phelps' left hand man, was horribly mutilated in a masturbation accident while on a hunting trip with Dick Cheney.