UnNews:Assange freed from captivity

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11 April 2019

Proving that animals and their owners have the same traits, Julian Assange's cat attempts to avoid capture by ignoring police and yowling loudly, claiming to be the Ecuadorian vice consul.

LONDON, Great Britain -- Julian Assange, the WikiLeaks founder living under political asylum in the Ecuadorian embassy in London, was turned over to British police and was immediately charged with jumping bail and pissing off the United States without a licence. His extradition was requested by the US and 78 other governments since Assange had managed to anger so many people around the globe. Sporting a man bun, sign enough that his 7 years of confinement had taken their toll, Assange and his cat were both forcibly handcuffed and removed from the embassy. Police later returned to remove door frames so that Assange's ego, now larger than ever, could also be removed from the embassy and taken into custody.

Long a crusading advocate of open government, Julian Assange earned the wrath of the US government by publishing classified documents and Hillary Clinton's emails taken from her personal unsecured computer by an 8-year-old hacker known as 4chan.

Julian Assange has joined the wacky man beard club

While long the darling of free speech advocates, Assange proved adept at burning every bridge he ever crossed and doubling back and burning the bridges again. Reportedly due to his legendary abrasiveness, narcissism and disregard for bathing, he had alienated many of his original backers and supporters including those who had provided bail when he was charged with rape in Sweden in 2010. That incident caused Assange into looking for a hiding place that turned out to be the Ecuadorian embassy, with bail cookies being forfeited by his former friends.

Subject to arrest if he set foot outside the embassy grounds, an advanced version of the floor is lava, Assange remained inside the embassy with a small office provided to him. He managed to alienate his hosts completely over time, with embassy staff leaving him alone on weekends to get away from him, then returning to find the locks changed. Assange rode his skateboard and played calvinball in the hallways, causing damage which he blamed on cheap construction and a poor choice of paint. He also expected others to bathe him as well as feed his cat as he did neither. Perhaps the last straw for the Ecuadorians was the leak of documents suggesting corruption by the current Ecuadorian president. "They were eating lobster when all I ever got was rack of lamb," stated a visibly angry Assange.

Assange had first decided to write "MARTYR" across his forehead when he made his court appearance, but a restraining order by the estate of Prince prevented him from doing so.

No US officials were available for comment as they were busy cackling with glee while rubbing their hands together.