UnNews:Apple releases iPlane app

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? UnNews Wednesday, April 24, 2024, 00:01:59 (UTC)

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18 May 2015

iPlane is designed to give control back to you, the customer.

CUPERTINO, California -- In a bid to improve airline safety, Apple has released a free application that lets iPad and iWatch users take full control of a passenger plane from their seats, if the pilot turns out to be suicidal, not a pilot, or someone else flying it from their own iPad or iWatch.

Most people will already be used to operating their iWatch or iPad in just about any situation – posting a picture of a cat on Facebook, hacking into high security databases to extract sensitive information, or shutting Sony down for the afternoon for making another crap film. With a free open-source app available at the iStore, passengers can now use their tablet to take full control of the airliner.

Marketing Manager, Philip W. Schiller, says that iPlane is “the most talked about software since Tennis-Boobs. Imagine a world where our most depressed or poorly skilled pilots, or non-pilots, no longer pose a threat to passengers."

Schiller continued, “If the plane starts flying erratically while someone in uniform is frantically trying to kick the cockpit door down, opening the app automatically logs you on to the flight management system. From there, you have full control of the aircraft, as well as a free chat page, putting you in touch with like-minded, crisis-ridden passengers.

“You think you can use an iWatch or iPad for everything?” Schiller continued, “Just wait until you see the crews faces when their Boeing 747 does a 45 degree bank, at the same time applying full thrust on all four engines and lowering the landing gear – and that’s just the demo mode.”

Apple is already working to develop add-ons for the app. One upgrade, soon for release, is an algorithm that makes the aircraft fly a parabolic pitch manoeuver to entertain children. The manoeuver, designed by NASA test pilots for astronaut training, creates an instant zero-G environment for thirty seconds, as if you are falling out of the sky, followed by a gut-wrenching four-G climb.

Schiller said: “Seeing just how far you can get a fully laden 747’s wings to bend never gets boring, I’ll tell you! Of course, it’s better to wait until the trolleys are stowed, and so on, so we’ve included some simple guidelines for passenger comfort and safety.”