UnNews:90s kids hijack Nickelodeon, take hostages

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We have met the enemy, and he is us ✪ UnNews ✪ Tuesday, November 5, 2024, 12:19:59 (UTC)
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14 March 2011

Utah college kid spills buckets of blood in an effort to get Nickelodeon to bring back its classic shows.

NEW YORK CITY -- The offices of formerly-cool cable children's network Nickelodeon were splattered with -- not slime, but blood -- Wednesday after a disgruntled college kid -- Utah resident Brad Sherwood, 25 -- and 30 others raided the offices with guns, Gak, and Nickelodeon Lazer Lights, demanding that the shows of their childhood be brought back. They wore T-shirts bearing the network's most beloved shows -- Double Dare, All That, You Can't Do That on Television, Clarissa Explains It All, The Adventures of Pete & Pete, Are You Afraid of the Dark?, AAAHH!!! Real Monsters, Kenan and Kel, Rugrats and Weinerville.

They took hostages -- including Viacom chief Sumner Restone, former Nick president Herb Scannell, current Nick president Cyma Zarghami, Stick Stickly, upcoming Kids' Choice Awards host Jack Black, and Big Time Rush, among several others -- and wouldn't release them unless they "got their childhood back," says one witness, who asked for anonymity.

Sherwood screamed at the top of his lungs, almost unintelligibly, "I am fucking tired of that yellow fucking sponge and that iCarly shit! Jesus Christ, that's all you ever play now! The 90s were the best time to be a kid, because you had real quality shows, not the shit you shove down our throats. The only thing I watch on Nick now is Power Rangers Samurai, which I'm glad you guys have no influence over. But the rest?"

He then gave the raspberry, flipped the bird, and killed an as-yet-unidentified hostage. "I'm not gonna take this shit anymore. I want change."

Nickelodeon finally comes to its senses.

That's exactly what he got. After the blood had been cleaned up and charges dropped, Nickelodeon -- who have been seeing a dip in the ratings, with the sole exception of Power Rangers Samurai -- announced Thursday that not only is Shout Factory releasing Rocko's Modern Life Season 1 on DVD, but also, their TeenNick channel -- presided by former All That castmember and current Mariah Carey bed toy Nick Cannon -- will unleash a new-old programming block of 90s Nick shows, much like SNICK.

The block is called "The 90s Were Pretty Fuckin' Cool" and will feature All That, Clarissa, Pete & Pete, Rugrats, Rocket Power, Salute Your Shorts, and Kenan and Kel, but the lineup will rotate and more titles will be added -- hopefully Are You Afraid of the Dark? or My Brother and Me. Who could forget Goo Punch? Or what about The Secret World of Alex Mack? Space Cases? Shelby Woo? 100 Deeds for Eddie McDowd? Welcome Freshmen? Kablam! or Hey Arnold? I never got to see Fifteen, but I'd be up for it. Anyone remember U to U? I think Rick Moranis was on there one time-ish. I think David Sidoni hosted a show after Roundhouse ended. Speaking of which, bring back Roundhouse. Give us uncut Ren & Stimpy and Rocko.

Those who think Ben Stiller's wife is hot should remember that Christine Taylor played Melody on Hey Dude. And Nick had the greatest game shows in the 80s and 90s. We're talkin' Double Dare (original, Super Sloppy, Celebrity, and Family), Get the Picture, Finders Keepers, Legends of the Hidden Temple, Figure It Out, GUTS & Global GUTS, Nick Arcade, You're On!, ... There's too many of them. Bring them all back, I miss them dearly.

Make some allowances for the 80s: You Can't Do That on Television, Finder's Keepers, Double Dare, Today's Special, Eureeka's Castle, that show with Dave Coulier that isn't Full House, Mr. Wizard, and that show with Fred Newman.

Wait, where was I? Oh yeah.

A total of 15 deaths have been reported in the mutiny, mostly T.U.F.F. Puppy writers and animators. But the deaths were justified, says Zarghami. "At the turn of the millenium, we strayed from our older programming, and honest to God, that was our biggest mistake. We have lost a shitload of money, and our previous efforts to bring the shows back have imploded. The Nick Rewind DVD brand had a lot of poetential, but the splitting of Viacom and CBS left the brand between a rock and a hard place, just like Bush did with Iraq. Now, everything is moving along smoothly, and we are getting as many of the classics back on TV that we possibly can. We miss these shows too, but you know money talks and bullshit walks. Actually, the reverse is true. Or both are true-ish...? Wait..."

Old school Nicksters were so excited by the news that their energy caused an earthquake in Japan. And fans are flooding the Internet as the story spreads of Nickelodeon's long-awaited return.

Sources[edit]

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