UnBooks:The Children's Guide to Your First School Shooting
Hey kids! It's us again, your favorite team of authors! Walter Flanagun and Fred Sockiopath! And today we have something very serious to talk to you about. School shootings. Properly executed a school shooting can be an extremely effective way to make that cute girl in your math class finally pay attention to you.
By reading and following the instructions found in these four short chapters you too can be an international news sensation like Seung-Hui Cho and Charles Whitman!
Chapter 1: Choose your weapon
The most important part of your school shooting will be what weapon you use. Make sure to choose a weapon that makes you look bad ass. Also make sure to take cool bad ass photos of yourself posing with your weapon before the actual shooting takes place, and then post those pictures on your blog/livejournal.
Examples of weapons that will make you look bad ass (remember, "bad ass" is relative, choose the weapon that works for you):
- A chainsaw
- A flame thrower
- A tank
- An atomic bomb (the two most common varieties are "Fat Man" and "Little Boy")
All these weapons can be easily acquired by shopping at your local black market shop. Don't forget to buy some drugs and sex up some prostitutes while you're there. If you don't, you won't be bad ass enough to kill all those people.
You did all those things? Good. Now you've got yourself your own bad ass weapon. You'll need it to kill all those pesky students who've been annoying you for all this time. But first make sure you read the weapon's manual, so you don't blow yourself up. Finished reading it already? Now that we're all set up to go on our killing spree, let's talk about what body parts you should be aiming for...
Chapter 2: Aim for the eyes and mouth
Schools these days have lots of students. You will need to conserve bullets if you want to kill them all. By aiming for the eyes you can usually kill your victims with only one bullet, saving more bullets for more victims. If you've been practicing a lot at home, you can even aim right between the eyes. It's a very bad ass thing to do. Make sure to penetrate the skull, though. Remember: waste not, want not. Keep in mind that if you were to shoot only the two kids in your gym class that bully you all the time like 50 times each that probably won't make the news: if you instead were to kill 100 students with those same bullets that would definitely make the news.
Now, if you bought a weapon that can fire a lot of rounds at a time and bothered to buy a shitload of bullets, you can also fire randomly at people. Remember not to aim for your feet, however. If you bought a rocket launcher, you can just fire it into the school building. It'll probably hit something and explode, causing the building to collapse. While explosions are usually on top of the cool list, it's more bad ass to kill everyone personally. You might want to save that rocket launcher to shoot at police cars and helicopters later on. Just like in those video games you enjoy playing so much.
Alright, are you finished killing everybody in the school yet? No, wait! I forgot to tell you about the really juicy stuff to aim at. Like penises. You should shoot off all those naughty boys' penises. Don't try that with the little girls, though. Their penises are so small they won't feel a thing down there. Aim for their boobs. It's always nice to watch those things explode. Well, if they have boobs, that is. And if you've got a lot of bullets left, you could like fire them at all the non-vital body parts. It makes for a more awesome scene. It causes the victims more suffering too.
Chapter 3: Defiling the corpses
After you've killed everyone inside the school building and before the police snipers kill you is the most fun part of a school shooting. During this time you can defile the corpses of your former antagonists. Bring a permanent marker with you so that you can humiliate your former classmates even in death.
Make sure to draw:
- mustaches under their nose
- fake eyeballs on their closed eye lids
- lots of penises all over their faces and bodies
- that they are gay
You can also:
- shit on the dead bodies
- fuck the dead bodies
- piss on the dead bodies
- eat the dead bodies
- cum all over the dead faces
- et cetera
Chapter 4: The grand finale
Okay, so the cops have finally figured out what you've been doing all day and they're not quite happy about it. As a matter of fact, they've surrounded you with police cars and are sending in snipers and helicopters. They might even go ape-shit crazy on you and call in the army. There's not that many options for you left now. If you're a real wimp, you could try to kill yourself. If you want to die a glorious death, however, you should force the police to blow up the building. You could also surrender. While it's a pretty wimpy thing to do, you could still rub it into the American justice system's face that they can only kill you once. Or if you don't live in America, you'll probably just be sentenced to a couple years in juvenile prison. As a final option, you could bring all those tanks and helicopters you got in your toy box and blow up all the police people.