UnBooks:Chicken Soup for the Chicken's Soul

Chicken Soup for the Chicken's Soul, now on sale.

Foreword

Dear Reader/Chicken, welcome to Chicken Soup for the Chicken's soul! In here, you will find a delightful selection of inspirational stories, meant to encourage failing readers to pick up the pace and get on with their lives! Featuring real-life success stories, the Chicken Soup for the Soul series has won many prestigious awards and provided invaluable inspiration to many readers across the globe. We hope that by reading and contemplating on these stories, you will find solace and the courage necessary to face being turned into chicken soup! Don't worry, you will not be wasted, as the chicken soup will be used to feed many other fellow chickens! Cluck Cluck Cluck!

This book is dedicated with love to the millions of chicken around the world who fortify us with daily gifts of chicken soup, chicken pies, fried and roast chicken and various other culinary delicacies. And also to the world's farmers who treat their chicken like royalty, doing whatever it takes to make sure their beloved chicken are happy, full and fat. Thank you Farmers, for making us full.

Inspirational Quotes

"Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will still need a fishing rod and tackle."-Myself

"The elevator to success is out of order. You'll have to use the stairs... one step at a time."-Joe Girad

"The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen."-Sarah Brown

"The only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary."-Vidal Sassoon

"What's up with these funny quotes? I mean, it's already enough as it is."-You

Stories

"Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings."-Confucius

Little Chicks

Stories about young, little chicks, who have just escaped the comfort of their shells and are faced with the harsh reality of a world with bigger animals than themselves. Contains a short letter-cum-confession of Chicken Little, who found the path to Nirvana, and a story warning of the perils of the Dark Side, suitable to be read as a bedtime story for little chicks.

1. Kentucky Chicken Soup

What I want to be when I grow up.

I am a 3 week old chicken living in Kentucky. I was born the smallest one of my entire family, and I was often bullied by my siblings. I felt frightened and lonely, and I often had thoughts of suicide. One day, I witnessed my uncle being turned into mincemeat by the farmer! I was extremely shocked and immediately tried to escape. However, the farmer caught me and put me into a solitary cage. At that time, I wanted to give up on life, and starve myself to death.

Hope came in the form of my mother. She hopped up beside me and said,"Don't worry, dear child. Do not be afraid of being turned into chicken soup. You will be used to feed starving children in Africa. Isn't that a better fate than sitting in a farm all day, serving no purpose?" I realized my folly, and clutched my mother's arms throughout the bars of the cage, sobbing.

Since then, I have been happily scoffing myself and waiting to be turned into chicken soup to feed starving kids in Africa.

Chicken Little

2. Anger leads to hate. Hate....leads to suffering.

A long time ago, in a rural farm situated in a country far far away, there once lived a pink chicken.

His name was Chuck. He was bigger than most, the rooster who impregnated his mother being an ex-heavyweight lifter. Although Chuck was far stronger than most of the chicks his age, he had a shy personality and was afraid to assert himself. Therefore, he was always tailing behind the pack, picking up the leftover crumbs.

Chuck

Soon, everyone noticed him, or rather, his pinkness. The other chickens viewed him as a freak of nature, an abomination, something which was just wrong. Every time he walked around the farm, a large crowd of chickens would follow him around, mocking him, waving banners, crosses and attempting to lynch and crucify him. The ruling cabal denounced him and labeled him "Freak".

He soon realised that no matter what he did, he was different from other chicks. He was, is, and would always be a pink chicken. Nothing could change that fact. He was destined to stay pink all his life.

Chuck gave up on life, and took to drink. The drink unleashed the deep-seated resentment and hatred towards other chickens in him, and turned him into a monster. Harnessing his rage, he would often suddenly lunge at imaginary chickens, strangling them and wringing their necks.

He committed his first murder two days after he took up the bottle. The victim, an underwhelming and innocent little chick, was buried in a corner of the farm, next to the fence. The disappearance of the chick caused quite the disturbance, but unfortunately nobody could prove it was Chuck who was the killer. Even the ruling cabal could not bend the rules, and was forced to let him go free without a hearing as there was not enough evidence to constitute a seizable offense.

Chuck became a psychopath, frequently getting drunk and working up a murderous rage. He would stalk around the farm at night, catching any chicken straying out in the open. He would sneak up on them form behind, and wring their necks. Nobody stood a chance against his sheer size and bulging muscles. Very soon, the farm's chickens learned not to stray outside at night, for fear of the "Night Killer".

One day, Chuck got his retribution. He was killed by the farmer and made into chicken soup. An unsuspecting family bought the chicken soup, consumed it, and died quite painfully from food poisoning. The family's relatives sued the farmer. The farmer lost the lawsuit, and was forced to sell his farm.

The moral of the story is, Anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.

From the autobiography of Chuck. Published 1999, 10 December at approximately 12.58pm. The autobiography currently resides at the National Institute of Morality and Vulgarities, which publishes propaganda to instill morality and vulgarities in little chicks and children across the globe.

Puberty

"Adolescence, n.: The stage between puberty and adultery. "-Anonymous

An eventful time in a young chicken's life. No longer an innocent chick, the average young chicken must face being eaten by snakes, other (relatively) big animals, avoiding poachers, dealing with ridicule and criticism by peers, and finding the right partner. Ain't easy right?

3. Made in the pot

Some people call me a farmer. I disagree, preferring to be called by the title "Professional Agricultural Livestock Keeper". I supply almost 50 percent of the nearby town's chickens, having the largest farm in the country. Anyway, what I want to say is that I am no fool when it comes to rearing chickens, but I have never seen a pair of chickens like these.

I remember the day then I first saw them hatch. They seemed normal, and even looked normal. Time passed. When the entire batch was 1 week old, I found out that one of the male chicks had a serious fixation for one of the female chicks. He kept chasing the female chick round and round the farm, screeching what was probably love poems. The female chick was uninterested, did her best to outrun the male chick, and succeeded keeping him at bay. However, the male chick's spirit was stronger than his body, He did not give up and kept trying.

Several days later, he finally caught the female chick. By then, the female chick had developed an interest in the male chick, and did not resist his advances any more. Both of them ended up clucking to each other. In the end, the female chick grew up into a fine hen and the male chick became a grand rooster. When they reached the eligible age, they laid a record number of eggs, and devastated the farm with their antics. My wife called them both Romeo and Juliet.

When the hen reached menopause, the rooster started to suffer. He would run around the farm, banging his head repeatedly against the wall. The hen just sat there, staring blankly at the ground. I mercifully killed them.

Both of them made excellent chicken soup. I have never tasted a better soup than this.

Adult Chicken

The adult stage of the chicken's life cycle. Chickens have to deal with the harsh realities of laying eggs, fertilisation, getting the lion's share of the food, competition and avoiding the Farmer.

4. KFC begins

"Colonel Harland Sanders, born September 9, 1890, actively began franchising his chicken business at the age of 65. Now, the Kentucky Fried Chicken business he started has grown to be one of the largest retail food service systems in the world. And Colonel Sanders, a quick service restaurant pioneer, has become a symbol of entrepreneurial spirit."

Here is the life story of Colonel Sanders.

When the Colonel was six, the Government adopted a policy which encouraged both parents to go to work and force the kids to take care of themselves. Young Harland had to take care of his three-year-old brothers and baby sisters. This meant doing the household chores, cleaning up after them, changing their underwear and doing much of the family cooking. By the age of seven, he was a master of a score of regional dishes such as "Mice in Big Lump of Cheddar" , Ernest Hemingway's "Crème of Dyke" and "Cold Hot Dogs Wrapped up in Bread with Ketchup", and the fabled "Chicken Rice", not yet made popular in Singapore.

KFC

At age 10, he got his first job working on a nearby farm for $2 a month, a considerable fortune in those days. When he was 12, his mother and father remarried(separately) and he left his home near Henryville, Ind., for a job on a farm in Greenwood, Ind. He held a series of jobs over the next few years, first as a 15-year-old streetcar conductor in New Albany, Ind., and then as a 16-year-old private, soldiering for six months in Cuba, and finally as an editor on Uncyclopedia.

After that he was a railroad fireman, studied the Chinese language, practiced in justice of the peace courts, sold insurance, operated an Ohio River steamboat ferry, became a telemarketer, and operated service stations. When he was 45, the Colonel began cooking for hungry travelers who stopped at his service station in Corbin, Ky. He didn't have a restaurant then, but served folks on his own dining table in the living quarters of his service station.

As more people started coming just for food, he moved across the street to a motel and restaurant that seated 142 people. Over the next nine years, he perfected his secret blend of 11 herbs and spices and the basic cooking technique that is still used today. He also formed invaluable friendships with farmers and companies which still supply up to 90 percent of the chickens slaughtered for KFC today.

More than two billion of the Colonel's "finger lickin' good" chicken dinners are served annually. And not just in North America. The Colonel's cooking is available in more than 82 countries around the world. Twenty million chickens are slaughtered annually, just to provide the "finger lickin' good" experience to millions of customers around the world.

The lucky ones(Old hens and roosters)

"Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway"-Unattributed, possibly an ex-officer in the KGB.

Those that survive until old age generally are one or a combination of the following:

1. Smart
2. Opportunistic
3. Survivalists
4. Plain lucky
5. Backstabbers/Traitors
6. Too skinny to eat, not worth turning into fried chicken.

5. Rose

The first day on the farm I was lost and confused. I was stumbling around when a gentle wing touched my shoulder. I turned around to find a wrinkled, little old hen beaming up at me with a Smile that lit up her entire being. She said, “Hi, cutie! My name is Rose. I’m 3 years old. Can I give you a hug?”

I laughed and enthusiastically responded, “Of course you may!” and she gave me a giant squeeze.

“Why are you still in the farm such a young, innocent age?” I asked. She jokingly replied, “I’m here to meet a handsome rooster, get married, lay a couple of eggs, then retire and slack off around the farm.”

“No seriously,” I asked. I was curious what may have motivated her to be still on the farm at her age.

“I always dreamed of being a proper chicken on a farm and now I'm one!” she told me.

We walked around the farm, pecking at the random bits of food the farmer dropped on the ground. We became instant friends. Every day for the next three months we would walk together and talk nonstop.

I was always mesmerized listening to this “time machine” as she shared her wisdom and experience with me.

Over the course of the year, Rose became a farm icon and she easily made friends wherever she went. She loved showing off her wings and she reveled in the attention bestowed upon her from the other hens. She was living it up.

At the end of the year the farmer started singling out chickens to slaughter. We asked Rose to teach us how to deal with it. I’ll never forget what she taught us that fateful day.

She said:

“We do not stop laying eggs because we are slaughtered by the farmer; we are slaughtered because we stop laying eggs. There re only four secrets to staying alive: Being happy, and laying eggs, avoiding the farmer, and laying eggs. You have to lay eggs everyday. You’ve got to have chicks. When you lose your eggs, you die. The farmer will eat you!” she said.

“There is a huge difference between dying without having achieved anything and dying having achieved something. If you are three years old, have never laid an egg and die naturally, that is useless. If you are three years old, have laid eggs, and are slaughtered to make fried chicken, you can make a difference in people's lives.” she added.

“The idea is that before being slaughtered by the farmer we are serving a useful purpose. Have no regrets. We are making people full and happy instead of sad and hungry. We provide fresh chicks to make more fried chicken, and by extension make humankind happy and fat. The only chickens who should fear death are those who are impotent.”

She concluded her speech by laying an egg right then.

One week later Rose died peacefully in the slaughterhouse. The entire farm crowded around her carcass and laid eggs in unison as a lasting tribute to this wonderful hen who made the difference in everybody's lives.

Author's note: The farm in question produced a record number of chickens for sale that year. The farmer made huge profits, and was able to retire and leave the farming to his sons.

Author's postscript: Did I mention she made great chicken for KFC? I ate her. Yum.

6. The old rooster

The old rooster pecked at the ground, ignoring the bits of leftover food sailing past his head. One particularly foul smelling grain landed just beside his lame foot. He turned sideways, glanced morosely at the grain, and turned back to his meal. The crowd of little chicks clucked excitedly around him, assailing him with the remains of past meals. This elicted nothing but a slight droop of the tail from the old man, who continued picking stoically at the ground.

Testimonies

Letters from people who have read Chicken Soup, stating how it has changed their lives.

Chicken Little saved my life

Dear Chicken Soup for the Chicken's soul, I am a 9 year old girl living in Africa. I am writing this letter with the help of my teacher. I want to thank you, you saved my life. A good kind nice man gave me a bowl of chicken soup when I was thrown awar(line running through thrown away) abandoned by my family. He saved my life. I think the soup might be made from Chicken Little.

Yours sincerely, Kayla

Delightful Roast Chicken

Dear Chicken Soup, I am an avid reader of your chicken soup for the Soul series, and have been faithfully purchasing, borrowing or stealing every new book to read it. I was curious about your recipes in the latest book, Chicken Soup for the Chicken's Soul, and tried it out. Surprisingly, even though I cannot even boil an egg, I somehow managed to follow the recipe to the letter and cook an extremely tasty chicken! Thank you Chicken Soup for helping me learn how to cook!

A Housewife, who recently put on 15 pounds due to chicken fats.

BONUS Chicken recipes

Requested by our faithful readers, we present the latest chicken recipies from Anonymous.

Chicken Pie

Preparation time less than 30 mins, cooking time 30 mins to 1 hour.

Ingredients:

“ 1 medium green pepper, sliced

50g/20z button mushrooms

10g/ ½oz butter

400g/14oz cooked chicken, shredded

225g/8oz puff or flaky pastry (ready-made is fine)

1 egg, beaten

For the sauce

25g/1oz butter

25g/1oz flour

150-200ml/6-7fl oz chicken stock

2-3 tbsp double cream

squeeze of lemon juice

sprig of fresh tarragon

”

Method

“ 1. Preheat the oven to 220C/425F/Gas 7.

2. Blanch the pepper for 2-3 minutes in a saucepan of boiling salted water, then drain, refresh in cold water and drain again.

3. Wipe the mushrooms and cut into quarters. Sauté in the 10g/1/2oz butter for 2-3 minutes, then set aside.

4. For the sauce, melt the 25g/1oz butter in a heavy-bottomed saucepan, add the flour and cook slowly over a low heat until

the mixture is straw-coloured. Pour in the chicken stock, turn up the heat and stir constantly until simmering. Add the cream

and reduce until the sauce has a syrupy consistency. Add the lemon juice and tarragon.

5. Turn off the heat, add the chicken, peppers and mushrooms to the pan.

6. Butter an ovenproof dish large enough to hold the chicken pie mixture with room to spare. Add the chicken mixture to the dish.

7. Roll out the pastry on a floured work surface, to a thickness of about 0.25in/1cm. Place the pastry over the filling and carefully trim the edges. Use the trimmings to make cut-out shapes to decorate the surface of the pie. Cut a couple of air holes with a knife to allow the steam to escape. Brush the pastry with the beaten egg.

8. Bake the pie in the preheated oven for about 25-35 minutes. The top should be nicely browned and the filling piping hot. Remove, allow to cool slightly and serve.

”

Stuffed chicken breast with sweet potato chips and minty salsa

Preparation time less than 30 mins, cooking time 10 to 30 mins.

Ingredients:

“ 1 chicken supreme, skin and wing bone attached

handful baby spinach

6 oyster mushrooms, lightly pulled apart into pieces small handful pine nuts

4-6 slices pancetta

ground cumin

olive oil

1 sweet potato

1 tomato

10 mint leaves

½ small red onion, finely chopped

”

Method

“ 1. Trim the wing bone and tidy up the skin on the chicken.

2. Turn the supreme over and remove the fillet and carefully open up a cavity with a boning knife.

3. Blanch a handful of baby spinach and refresh in cold water, drain and squeeze dry.

4. Fry the oyster mushrooms in olive oil and allow to cool.

5. Mix the spinach and mushrooms together, season and add a few pine nuts.

6. Put this mixture in the cavity of the chicken, then replace the fillet. Lightly coat the chicken in some ground cumin, then wrap the chicken in thinly sliced pancetta, seal it in a hot pan with some olive oil and roast in the oven for 10-12 minutes at 160C/325F/Gas 3.

7. Using an apple corer, cut cylindrical chips from a raw orange fleshed sweet potato. Cook in boiling water for about 4 minutes and allow to cool. Pan-fry the chips in some vegetable oil until they go a golden roasted colour (about 2/3 minutes).

8. Cut the tomato into fine dice, add the finely chopped mint leaves and onion and a few drops of olive oil. Serve with the chicken and sweet potato.

”

Contributors

1. Chicken Little is currently no longer residing in the world of the living. As of two days ago, he was turned into chicken soup and fed to a starving kid in Africa. He is thought to be currently residing on the ground of an unnamed grassy plain in Rwanda, Africa. A movie about his life is currently in the works.

2. Chuck is also no longer currently living. He is thought to be existing peacefully as a turd somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean. Also, Miss R. Mary, Dean of the Institute of Morality and Vulgarities kindly allowed us to plagarise from Chuck's autobiography.

3. Farmer Brown is a farmer living in Kentucky. He recently won a cooking competition with his dish of chicken soup, and has co-authored a book "How to make great Chicken Soup". He has not found a willing publisher so far.

4. Do I need to explain about the great Colonel Sanders? Also, thanks to Private Smith, his only surviving grandson, for kindly letting us publish the life story of Colonel Sanders.

5. Orchid is a 2 month old chicken, who is currently living in a luxurious mansion in Hawaii, living on the proceeds from her bestselling book "How Rose changed my life". She also holds the Guinness World Record for laying a total of 35 eggs in a period of one week.

6. Kayla, 9, is currently living in the United States. She is on a publicity tour, promoting Chicken Soup for the Chicken's Soul. She credits Chicken Little for saving her life.

7. Mrs F. Atkins, 39, is a housewife in the UK. She sent in the letter "Delightful Roast Chicken". According to her, her husband now enjoys every meal.

8. Anonymous(His real name, given by his parents), for providing the recipes. Not much is known about him, except that he is a chef in an unspecified restaurant.

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Second helpings?

Many of the stories you have read in this book were submitted by readers like you who had read earlier Chicken Soup for the Chicken's Soul books. We are planning to publish Chicken Soup for the Chicken's Soul Vol 2, at a projected retail price of 20 feathers.

We require stories that fit one of the following categories:

-Inspirational

-Interesting

-Fables(sort of like Aesop's fables)

-Funny

-Plagarised

The reader who submits the best story will walk away with a prize of 5 real live chickens! So hurry, and post your story to the following address before 20th January:

Feather District, Egg Street, No 5, Chicken Soup HQ.

Kentucky, The Town of Fried Chicken, United States of America

Tel: 1800-CLU-CK

Fax: 666777888

Email: ChickenSoup@chickensoup.con.usanda

Chicken Cooking competition

Dear Reader, Chicken Soup for the Chicken's Soul is hosting a chicken cooking competition at its HQ(see above address) on 21st January 2008. It will be open to the public, and visitors are free to sample the gastronomic culinary delights prepared by our contestants.

We strongly encourage our human readers to participate. Note that chickens are banned from participating in the competition, for obvious reasons. Competitors are required to abide by the following rules:

1. No Cheating

2. Only two people allowed per team, one for cooking and the other to give moral support.

3. Contestants are required to use the culinary equipment provided.

4. Only chickens may be cooked.

5. No other rules.

Interested? Simply log on to www.chickensoupforthechicken'ssoul.com, print out the form, and submit it on the day of the competition in order to participate. You stand to win:

1st prize--$10,000

2nd prize--$8000

3rd prize--$4000

4th prize: A luxurious guided tour for two, to the farms in Kentucky.

5th prize: One week's supply of chicken soup and chicken essence, and $100 KFC voucher.

Consolation Prize: Chicken Hat

So why wait? Start practicing your cooking skills today!

About the Author

The author, who refuses to be identified by name and shall be known only as "Fatass", is an extremely large and ample man who is a self-declared professor and critic of fried, roasted, steamed, grilled or otherwise unraw chicken(He hates raw food). The author wishes to express his love for chickens, both as living thinking animals capable of emotions and logic, and as a culinary delicacy. He was motivated to write this book after consuming a particularly delicious chicken at KFC, and found out her name was Rose. Other books by this author are_ -Chicken soup for the Slutty Pregnant Teen's Soul -Chicken soup for the Faggot's Soul -Chicken soup for the Insecure divorced woman going the Menopause's Soul -Cream of Mushroom Soup for the Obama's Soul