UnBooks:Ernest Hemingway's Cookery Corner

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In life, a man needs two things: food and a chair. If pushed, he can lose the chair. Food is another matter.

My name is Ernest Hemingway. Welcome to my world of food.

Cold Hot Dogs Wrapped up in Bread with Ketchup

They're finger lickin' good...!

These are my favorite. They’re easy and portable and you can eat them anywhere, such as a bomb crater, a Cuban whorehouse or any other place without chairs. Just thinking about them makes me dribble.

You’re going to need the following:

  • 1 tin of hot dogs
  • Ketchup
  • Strong whiskey
  • A Dragunov SVD 7.62×54mm rimmed semi-automatic rifle
  • Bullets
  • Some nice white sliced bread (spongy but not too thick)

Take a good long slug from the whiskey. Balance the tin up against a rock. Crouch down low under the shadow of a tree. Wait for the sun to reach its zenith. Then lean in to the rifle, aim and fire. If your aim is good you could blow the lid clean off the tin. If not, well those hot dogs were just going to die anyway. Because everything dies. It’s only a matter of time. Drink some whiskey. Do it now.

Take one slice of bread and one hot dog. Lay the hot dog on the bread slowly and with reverence, as if you were laying a long, thin, trembling and sticky virgin in a big field full of fresh snow. It’s got to be right in the center of the bread. Too much to the left or to the right and it is likely to roll out and fall onto the floor and that is really annoying because then you have bend over and pick it up and buff it with a face cloth.

Squeeze some ketchup out in a line. Roll up the bread nice and tight. That’s it. Man creates food.

Once you’re done, you should leave the sandwiches to lay in the sun for about an hour, so that they’re nice, warm and crispy. I usually leave mine in the back garden and head down to Joe’s for a couple of tall ones. By evening, when the sun is dipping low beneath the trees, I come home and eat them in my favorite big old comfy chair. That’s if they haven’t been gotten at already by scavengers or rodents, of course.

A Marlin Sandwich

I'm fishing for Marlin while my special buddy, Gregorio Fuentes, waits with the sliced bread

First, you're gonna need some Marlin. And for that, you're gonna need a boat. You could make a great deal of money with a boat. You could start out with three thousand dollars, wind up with six. In the end, it just comes down to who you trust. But since we're just making a sandwich, it doesn't matter too much.

Here's the ingredients:

  • 1 boat
  • Strong whiskey
  • A Dragunov SVD 7.62×54mm rimmed semi-automatic rifle
  • Bullets
  • Some nice white sliced bread (spongy but not too thick)

Take her out to where the Gulf makes a line, put on your belt and harness, and wait for the chance. On a good day, you could end up landing one. On a bad day, well, just save it for the bar.

When you see one break the surface, big as a car and twice as shiny, you make sure to slack the line to him, or he'll pull you right out of the goddamn chair. Let him tire out. You gotta be patient with him. He'll keep breaking and turning, and you keep slacking the line and reeling him in. If you're lucky you'll land him. When you do, its time to turn for home.

Now, I forgot to mention this before, but the customs people got boats and they gonna be looking for you. Lay low and take it easy. If they come along side, just act quiet and say nothing or most probably they'll start shooting and you're going to need to make for the rifle. A fusillade of bullets can do a lot of damage to a boat, and you'll have to pay for that. If you live. So guide her into the harbor under cover of darkness, tie her up and slip away, quiet as possible.

Right, now, take the Marlin and stick it in two slices of bread. That's it. One Marlin Sandwich. I hope you enjoyed it, and if you didn't, well tough.

Fried Wasps

Here I am after a successful wasp hunt

A wasp is an enemy that deserves your respect. They are fast, unpredictable and very difficult to shoot.

Here's the ingredients:

  • Wasps
  • Sniffer dogs
  • A bag
  • Strong whiskey
  • A Dragunov SVD 7.62×54mm rimmed semi-automatic rifle
  • Bullets
  • Some nice white sliced bread (spongy but not too thick)

With a good tracker, luck and a reliable jeep you can probably find wasps pretty quickly. You might even have them in your back garden. In which case, there is probably no need to travel all the way to Africa like I did, on some crazy wasp trek. It was worth it, though, when I walked over a hillock and stumbled across a whole herd. We ate like kings.

When you spot a wasp, crouch down low and stay down wind. Aim for the wings. If you wing one, it will fall to the ground and get picked up by the dogs. If you hit the body, the entire insect will be obliterated. This is embarrassing for you and for the wasp.

Collect the injured wasps into the bag. Climb into the jeep and head for home. Use a big pan, heavy and sure. Put a little butter into the pan. Add herbs, salt, lemon juice, pepper and wasps. Reduce down into a sauce. Eat with bread. The sauce should be stingy but not too crunchy.

Other guys will come when they smell the food. They'll have shot elephants, rhino, oryx and lions. Some of them might even point at you and laugh. But they're hungry and you're eating, so just tell them to fuck off.

Crème of Dyke

Crème of Dyke is a simple soup, and while not a good soup, it will sustain man on Key West if need be. This is the type of soup that fortifies the body and steels the soul. It is a pure soup – one that can be made in a Havana cantina, or a fox hole on the western front.

To make this soup, this Crème of Dyke, you will need the following:

  • Five egg whites
  • One cup heavy cream
  • Salt to taste
  • Pinch of alum
  • Strong whiskey
  • A Dragunov SVD 7.62×54mm rimmed semi-automatic rifle
  • Bullets
  • Some nice white sliced bread (spongy but not too thick)

Mix all the salt and heavy cream over a low heat. When steam rises from the pan slowly drizzle the egg whites in the soup base. Allow them clot, allow them to cook. Turn off the heat. Add the pinch of alum. When the soup cools to 98.6 degrees, serve it.

I told Gertrude Stein when I served this to her in Paris, it is best to down this nectar whole, avoid the taste buds, just get it to the back of your gullet as quickly as you can. Try not to dwell on the texture, just open up and swallow. Alice prefers hers with a garnish of hashish.

See also

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