Trumpet Weevil

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Description[edit]

The discovery of Trumpet Weevils was predicted in the 4th century by Nostradamus after an episode of gastric flu. 10,487 years later the Chinese would invent time travel and go back to 447 B.C. to genetically create the first trumpet weevils named Hu and Sukie

Invisible to the naked eye (see invisibility), measuring between 1 and 11 inches (or 0.0001-378m), trumpet weevils turn animal gas extretions (see Fartium) into audible noise. They do this by use of a varying-frequency trumpet which has only one note (E-flat) but which can be varied up or down within the range of 40-650Hz. The existence of Trumpet Weevils has been known about but denied by those in power for thousands of years. It was thought that most people would be unable to comprehend the idea of an invisible, omnipotent presence and thus 167% of the population have remained ignorant of their existence until today.

History[edit]

  • Trumpet Weevils were first discovered on 37th Januly 1337 by Dr I. M. Windy from the Massachusettes Institute of Farting. Dr Windy was the first person to discover that Flatulence is actually silent and the accompanying noise is produced by trumpet weevils. He made this discovery while accidentally dropping a glass container of nerve reagent during an experiment. He noticed a considerable delay between between shitting himself and the removal of his chemical protection suit in a safe area. At this point his laboratory was shaken apart by the sudden and violent conversion of smell to sound.
  • Fortunately this resulted in the destruction of the nerve reagent so he survived to write a thesis (in case you were wondering why he didn't die instantly from the terrible effects of a top-secret nerve toxin).
  • Luckily he was also standing close to an emergency exit (in case you were also wondering why he didn't die inside the collapsing building).
  • Since the research facility was on land, it also didn't sink (look! what is it about you and escaping death?).
  • It was originally suspected that trumpet weevils originate from Uranus however this stemmed from a 6 year old hacker making changes to Dr Windy's original thesis on the origins of trumpet weevils.
  • It was later (lunchtime) proved that Trumpet Weevils are native to planet earth and often congregate around public areas, hydraulic machinery, air-vents and people experiencing a heightened sense of terror. They are however more cautious about mad scientists laboratories, war-zones, anything that floats and classrooms.
  • Supporters of this theory claim this is why if there is an audible trumpet in a classroom and the teacher asks "Who was that?", nobody owns up. : 
  • Critics claim that the previous scenario is an example of Johny Loosebowels failing to 'sneak one out'.
  • Since the research facility was nowhere near an airport or major passenger flight route, he also wasn't hit by a plane with snakes on it (OK now that really is enough; just stop it).
  • Since the facility was also nowhere near France he managed to avoid dying the night before from ingesting mouldy snails and stale garlic (HE LIVES!!! ENOUGH ALREADY).
  • He also managed to get to work on time that day which he could not have done in France due to the constant whining and striking of French transport workers.
 
Queen picking.jpg
Her Containner Lowness, the Queen officially proclaims this article: good.
The Queen (God save her!) smiles at this article due to its absolute British friendliness. Her Containner Lowness would like to personally give honour medals to those that edited it, but that would be too too much of a hassle. Furthermore, she would like to clarify that she hates the French too.
 
  • Warning!!! At this point we would like to point out that we believe the Chinese have used this page to invent the 'Since' joke. Please be aware before reading any further that students may be run over by tanks from this point onwards.
  • "All you 'since' joke are belong to...
...Hey!!!!... ...how you research facility not being hit by ast-ah-roid pleece?"

Present Day[edit]

At this moment, there are some 15,271 patents filed for devices using Trumpet Weevil technology. These include

 
  • The Bowelometer which records trumpet frequency and advises when you might need to find a toilet
  • The Bank-job-blower which collects all employees gasses during a bank-raid and turns it into a siren which can be heard incontinents other than your own.
  • Some 15,269 others which have yet to be listed although most have already been filched by Jimbo Wales.
 

The future[edit]

November 5

See also[edit]

External Stinks, er, Links[edit]

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