Theory of everything

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The theory of everything is a single theory which tries to have an all-encompassing explanation of reality. Smart people were tipped off to the existence of such a theory way back when they realized that there was such a thing as reality. This has thus been destroyed by a secretive cult known only by their brain-melting machines; Atari.


Philosophers challenged the existence of this reality, declaring that it must be proven to be true or until then be only referred to as the Hypothesis of Everything. Stephen Hawking believed this theory to be reachable by assessing the trajectory of gigantic hexahedron-like objects through 42-dimensional space according to Newtonian physics. This theory, however, was debunked a hundred years after Hawking's death by notorious topiarist and dockworker Albert Einstein in his famous essay, God doesn't play craps with the Universe. At the time of the article's writing, God wasn't available for comment, as it occurred during the interlude of God's activity on Earth (Roughly 33 AD-6666 AD, although some recent theorists postulate that the period of Divine inactivity actually spans from BC to the Final Destiny of the Universe). The theory can in fact be described in less than one page of advanced mathematical notation, but thanks to limitations in the typesetting language and the general ignorance of Uncyclopedia editors about the subject, will remain undisclosed.

Modern Theory[edit]

The most obvious and simple explanation for reality is, of course, that the theory of everything is the theory of everything! Although we all know what the theory of everything is in theory, we still don't know what it really is, as 'reality' has been extraordinary difficult to observe or duplicate in laboratory conditions. That is the difference between the reality that the theory is trying to explain and the explanation; however, there is no known explanation for the theory itself other than the theory itself. Because of this fact, the theory of everything is also known as the theory on the theory of everything. The theory of everything can be applied to all things, so whatever your thinking right now can be explained by it theoretical application. The actual theory in scientifically reviwable terms has never actually been published, except once, shaved on the back of a kitten found in Wyoming in 1939 which was promptly huffed by Irving Berlin. The Theory's final resting place is theorized to be Berlin's grave in Munich, inside the unfortunate singer/phisiculturist's left nostril.

Candidates for the "Theory of Everything"[edit]

TOE is sometimes also called a supergrand unified theory.

A theory of everything is needed to explain phenonmenon such as the big bang or gravitational singularities in which the current theories of general relativity and quantum mechanics self-destruct. Theoreticial motivations for finding a theory of everything include the Platonic belief that the ultimate nature of the universe is simple and therefore the current models of the universe such as the standard model cannot be complete because they are too complicated.

There have been numerous theories of everything proposed by theoretical physicists over the last century, but as yet none has been able to stand up to experimental scrutiny or there is tremendous difficulty in getting the theories to produce even experimentally testable results. The primary problem in producing a theory of everything is that quantum mechanics and general relativity have radicially different descriptions of the universe, and the obvious ways of combining the two lead quickly to the renormalization problem in which the theory does not give finite results for experimentally testable quantities.

Popular candidates for a theory of everything at the moment include loop quantum gravity, string theory, and M-theory. Most of these theories attempt to deal with the renormalization problem by setting up some lower bound on the length scales possible. Also early 21st century theories of everything tend to suppose that the universe actually has more dimensions than the easily observed three of space and one of time. The motivation behind this approach began with the Kaluza-Klein theory in which it was noted that adding one dimension to general relativity would produce the electromagnetic Maxwell's equations. This has led to efforts to work with theories with large number of dimensions in the hopes that this would produce equations which are similar to known laws of physics.

Theories of everything must be distinguished from grand unified theories (or GUTs), which attempt to unite all the fundamental forces except gravity. A theory that unites the electromagnetic and weak nuclear forces into a single electroweak force has already been established; GUTs attempt to unify the strong nuclear and electroweak forces.

Attempts to create theories of everything are common among people outside the professional physics community. Unfortunately these theories, like those of professional physics, suffer from the inability to make quantifiable and falsifible predictions. Unlike professional physicists who are generally aware that their pet theory is incomplete, untested, and probably wrong, amateurs who create TOE's tend to be unaware of the need and mechanisms for testing scientific theories and the fact that most proposed theories are just wrong.

Then there's Quantum Murphydynamics, a new theory of everything invented by a brilliant young Uncyclopedia-obsessed particle physicist with no life.

Philosophical theory of everything[edit]

The status of a physical TOE is open to philosophical debate. For instance, if physicalism is true, a physical TOE would coincide with a philosophical theory of everything. Some philosophers — Aristotle, Plato, Hegel, Whitehead — have attempted to construct all-encompassing systems. Others are highly dubious about the very possibility of such an exercise.

Conservation of energy[edit]

Conservation of energy states that everything is energy and energy is conserved. The experience of the observer is energy. Energy can not be created or destroyed. There is as much positive energy as there is negative energy. If they canceled each other there would be nothing. Experience is also energy. There is no free energy or perpetual motion device because energy can not be created or destroyed. Since the observer (you) is energy as well, the observers happiness can not be created or destroyed. Happiness, satisfaction, love, pleasure or what ever you call it, can not be created or destroyed, but only changes form where various forms of pleasure are counteracted with displeasure, pain, suffering, unhappiness, etc. Happiness can not be created, the only time people are happy is when they are creating their own doom and are not aware of it. So the happier you are the more unhappy you will be in the future and vice versa.

Object oriented programming[edit]

Several decades ago computer scientists have realized that programming is greatly simplified by creating of what is called an object. An object is quite simply, everything. Every code, process, algorithm, function etc. is the same thing, a thing, or an object as called in computer lingo. It is thus greatly simplified to code when everything is treated as the same thing. Similarly in life, everything is the same thing. In other words, everything is alive and everything is equal. Everything is an experience. Because everything is an experience, it doesn't matter who's experience it it, everyone is essentially equal, from the greatest minds in the universe to the Tutsi fly. Nobody's experience is any better or worse that anyone else's because everyone's energy or happinesses are conserved. Since energy is conserved, it doesn't matter who or what you are, everything is conserved. Happiness equates unhappiness.


This coincides with theories of quantum entanglement that everything is the same thing, that everything is connected or entangled. Since everything and everyone is equal, we have a lot in common, we're all the same. We are all experiences and all experiences are related to each other. Time is an illusion just like space. There is no time, it's only an experience of how different physical perceptions relate to each other. There is infinite time and space dimensions and time travel is possible and easy once physical mechanisms of hyperspace or multidimensionality are mastered.

Belief systems[edit]

There is nothing physical. Scientists have never been able to find a single atom of physical presence. Matter breaks down into atoms, atoms break down into subatomic particles and so on and so forth. In the end, there really is no matter, only information. Belief systems are the same thing, just information. No one belief system is any better or worse that another, because they are all just information, when it all comes down to it. In other words, the Flying Spaghetti Monster belief is no different that the Big Bang or the Grand Unified Field Theory. What matters in not weather it's scientifically proven, but weather you believe in it. If you can imagine it, it's information. It's no different from anything else because nothing but information has ever been found in search of something real, physical or matter. It doesn't mean that by believing in something you can easily make it real. In the end you'll find that it's hardest to believe in what you want the most and the benefits balances out, refer to Conservation of Energy.


Since everything is energy and everything is conserved and is merely information, there's no such thing as someone being better or worse than anyone else. Everyone's experience is infinite. No matter how smart or how dumb someone is their experience is just as rich as someone who has a higher IQ or is perceived to be smarter. This brings us to the deduction that no matter how dumb someone is they are just like us. Since everything is the same and everything is an object, anything you can imagine is just as alive as anything. In other words, a mosquito, rock, Santa Clause, X or anything at all is just as alive as human beings. You'll never know what's it's really like to be a grain of sand, just like you'll never know what it's like to be Whitney Houghston until you actually become it. Meanwhile we'll keep thinking that we are the only ones alive because we can only understand those who are similar to us. In actuality, everything is alive and going through it's own chalanges we just don't realize it because we live in our world.


The whole question of extraterrestrials and aliens is redundant because not only do other life forms exist, they are everywhere. The only question is which life forms do we choose to relate to and accept.

A specific question is if there are other humanoid life forms elsewhere in the universe. The answer is probably yes, but if they have superior technology and better lifestyles, they would not have any reason in coming here. Just like we have no reason of going to underdeveloped countries unless there's a benefit in it for us. The answer is probably that if you have yet not seen aliens, thank you lucky starts that they've left you alone because if you're not careful, you might lust get what you wished for. All these government conspiracies and cover ups really are for your own protection designed to preserve our ways of life by those for whom it is already too late.

Point zero[edit]

So where does this leave us? Well apparently none of it really does matter. The universe is perfectly fair and at the same time, you just can't get a break no matter what you do. So should we all now run for the hills and wait for the sky to fall, or summon the aliens and await the horrendous consequence that will come? Well apparently one again, according to this theory, it really does not matter because aliens are really just like us. One bean of hope however remains, maybe I'm wrong about all this. Maybe the universe is not balanced and there is a way to obtain free energy after all, despite that fact that no one has done it and it is the most impossible thing to do imaginable. Obtaining this free energy, this free lunch, something for nothing, free happiness without consequence is what is called point zero.

The impossible dream[edit]

Obtaining free energy will be the hardest technological, sociological or spiritual undertaking that has never been done by man, aliens, god or any other life forms anywhere ever since the beginning of time because it would have only had to have been done once. By all logic, rationale and sanity, it is impossible no matter what you do. Obtaining this point zero is the only thing left imaginable to do once we realize that nothing really matters and that we are all the same and we all just want to be happy. By definition, it is not easy and it is the most impossible thing ever conceivable or more accurately inconceivable. It is the most impossible, hardest most ridiculous thing imaginable (or more accurately, unimaginable) that anyone could ever try to do and by definition guaranteed not to work, and it is the only choice we have.

Life extension, transhumanism and singularity[edit]

Technology factors in when we accept that nothing matters and we might as well try to stay alive to keep our memories and try as hard as possible to evolve in hopes of finding free energy, which is impossible. Life extension is important as a precautionary measure and a form of insurance. It is done just in case this is all wrong and the truth is completely different from what we could have ever imagined. It is basically a way of saying that life isn't that great, and might not be desirable, but for all we know, death isn't that great either, and not possible anyway, so might as well just stay alive in hopes of finding the ever elusive happiness in the future. Once immortality has been achieved, transhumanism and artificial intelligence that is the last invention that will ever have to be made will come in handy if we are to achieve infinity, god and beyond to do that which has never been done and by all definition never will be. At the same time we have no other choice, plus there's always hope that this whole theory is wrong and there really is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow in the distant future against all odds.

See also[edit]