Flat Earth
Flat Earth is the widely accepted belief that the Earth is not spherical, but flat. Except for mountains.
In our modern scientific civilisation it seems incredible that for over 450 years, people like Stephen Hawking and Galileo Gallilee (the Biblical character) have claimed that the Earth is some kind of celestial giant beach ball, but so they did. Only since the advent of GoogleEarth has the real truth re-emerged. As conclusive proof, go to GoogleEarth on your computer, now look very, very carefully at the screen. Put your face right up close to it and squint along the surface: see?- flat as a pancake! Except for the mountains. Look at any part of the Earth you like, even Russia, and you will see the same thing.
Origins of the Flat Earth Theory[edit]
During his early experiments with Cannabis Spiritualism Patrik in Beijing began to become really really really really really really very paranoid. It became apparent to him that the Communist government of Red China was trying to suppress his flat-Earth thoughts with mind control substances like rice and noodles. After covering his head with tinfoil, Robertson grabbed a Samurai sword and a whiskey bottle and went from village to village in the middle of the night telling everyone who would listen that the world was flat.
Initial reception was skeptical. Generally, people quite naturally accepted whatever the Beijing government told them, because they knew they would be tortured and killed if they didn't, but Patrik's enthusiasm slowly won them over. Evidence was, after all, overwhelming. Nobody had ever heard of a person rolling along the ground and gathering momentum till they shot off the Earth and hurtled into space, and when you put a thing down on the table, it generally stayed on the table, unless it melted or was stolen. So Patrik was borne on bony shoulders and immolated on a Great Fire, joining the pantheon of Chinese heroes known as the Great Martyrs, who were venerated for ever by the common people. Once word of Patrik's fame spread to Beijing, his mother and father were captured and squashed by Party edict, and their bloody remains smeared on the faces of schoolchildren. China is a sophisticated place, and the children quickly understood that what the government said, went. That was progress!
Round Earth Theory[edit]
Basically, the Round Earth theory says that God has the whole world in his hand. Yet if the world were round, it would roll out of God's hand and into space, quickly becoming either burnt to a crisp by the heat of the Sun or freezing into ice in the dark vacuum of space. In some versions of the theory God is a turtle.
What is worse is that if enough people think the world is round, it will in fact become round and will in fact roll out of God's hand and into damnation.
We came dangerously close to this happening before the war to bring Freedom to Iraqistan. Fortunately, the excess round earth theorists were bludgeoned during anti-war rallies, after they were cornered by members of the FBI and forcibly strip searched in a manner that caused fatal blood loss.
The Modern Flat Earth Theory[edit]
The Modern Flat Earth Theory (aka MFET, not MILF) has been expanded to include more than just the notion that the planet is not round.
The Flat Earth Reality now includes new and improved hokum, like Intelligent Design and Christian Rock (not to be confused with Chris Rock, eminent black supremacist). Today, the Jesus zombie army worships at the rather expensive alter of McJesus, Inc. where they send all their hard-earned cash to Pat Robertson in exchange for bumper stickers that make fun of Mexicans and the jobless poor.
Proof[edit]
Any image taken from space will show that Earth is indeed flat. There is no photographic proof that states or implies otherwise. All images of a round Earth have been photoshopped. Even though Photoshop didn't exist before 1990, all of them are photoshopped. Anyone who saw images of a round Earth before 1990 is crazy. And it's not like three dimensional objects look two dimensional when viewed head on. Further proof is the clear evidence of the horizon, the edge of our planet, and we all know that spheres have no edge.
When drawn as a map, continents must appear "stretched," as the array of continents on the map are larger than the flat surface itself. This is explained by the continents "scrolling" across this circular or disc-like surface in a marquee fashion, in the same way that a camera must pan across a long scene or a large computer graphic must scroll across due to the limited size of the user's monitor.
Early thinkers once believed the Earth was in fact a Earth Ball|ball, and it turns out that this was once true, but no longer. Christopher "Chris" Columbus thought the Earth was round, and set out to find India by going round the planet. The Earth, as things turned out, was indeed flat, and he ended up in America, the biggest mistake in the history of mankind. All because it was a common notion that the earth was round. (see Ferdinand Magellan)
It should be worth noting that current thinking on this theory is that Earth was at one time round, with crease-marks found just south-north of Texas suggesting that it got crushed by a cosmic steamroller around 25,000 BC, since which time Earth has been completely flat, and failed to regain any of its former rotundity.
Flat Earth and Global Warming[edit]
The Flat Earth theory neatly and indisputably disproves global warming. If there is no globe, there is obviously no global warming, which has led to an upsurge in political and scientific interest in the Flat Earth theory, especially among the right wing.
However, the Flat Earth might still be liable to Planar Warming. As a flat world would have much less volume to contain heat than a spherical one, the result would be like living in a frying pan, and with the gas set to High.
Planar Warming might cause the surface of the planet to expand and become convex to the point that it becomes a sphere. As the surface of the Earth is definitely not a non-stick surface, yet another risk of unbridled industrial activity is that it might turn the Earth into a globe.