The Thunderdome
“Fight to the death in the The Thunderdome? Fuck that for a game of cricket! I'll take a prawn sandwich and some sweet Motown tunes over that shit any day!”
The Thunderdome was invented by Vin Diesel in October 1984 and is an arena in which one can engage in the ancient sport of 'shitkickzia'. If by invented you mean that he stole the idea from Auntie Entity. Diesel's famous quote pretty much sums up the whole thing very succinctly:
"TWO MEN ENTER, ONE PROTOBADGER LEAVES"
All fights in The Thunderdome are mandatorily to the death. Any challenge cannot be refused. Any refusal of a challenge will lead to a personnel meet with Vin Diesel during which he will stare at you through crazy goggles, administer neat Jack Daniels enemas, yodel at you and challenge you to an illegal street race (to the death) which you will lose. The Thunderdome also hosted the 2003 NCAA Men's Basketball Final Four.
Thunderdome Description[edit]
It is probably best described as a huge dome made out of sheet platinum held together with carbon infused bandicoot ligaments housing a large spectator area resembling a moshpit at a Muttallica concert. In the centre is a raised, circular fighting ring enclosed by a meshed wire fencing that will keep in the contenders (but not the blood splattering - I can vouch for that as I still have blood stains that soaked right through to my y-fronts and to this day have not been able to wash out - that was after watching the Winnie the Pooh vs. Corey Feldman fight!).
The spectators climb up the outside of the cage, rattling and shaking it back and forth, making as much noise as possible. Favourite chants include: "Death! Death! Death!", "Die! Die! Die!" and the classic "Kill! Kill! Kill!".
Trapezery and Bungee cords were banned in 1988 after Vin Diesel decided that they lacked a certain "not gay" quality The Thunderdome required.
(Note: all permitted weapons are supplied by the management who hang them on the outside of the wire fence surrounding the ring but contenders are advised to bring their own. All personal weapons must be submitted to the panel to gauge their legitimacy (see permitted weapons section below..))
Rules[edit]
- None
Permitted Weaponry[edit]
- Normal Samurai Sword
- Chainsaw (Petrol)
- Baseball bat with 9 & 1/2 inch nails embedded in the shaft (corking is not allowed)
- Double-edged Samurai Sword
- Pointed stick
- Trident and flimsy rope net
- Ball and chain (note: a tennis ball on a chain will achieve limited success)
- Large ball and chain (note: a basketball won't be any good either)
- Spiky ball and chain (note: a rubber spiky ball is less useful)
- Metal spiky ball and chain
- Bird flu
- Swine Flu
- Koala Flu (Recently banned)
- Stapler
- Scythe
- Transformers - except Grimlok
- Dice
- Thermonuclear device
- Broadsword
- Crack
- Zippy
- Conkers
- Big Mac pickles
- Electricity coming out of your fingers
- Two handed battleaxe
- d20+4
- Goatse
- Toaster
- Can of Coke (shaken)
- Bottle (broken)
- Razor-Frisbee
- Olympic torch
- Cheese wire
- Steve Ballmer (just point him toward your opponent and he will Fucking Kill™ him and not you)
- A sharpened banana
Banned Weaponry[edit]
- Guns - Pistols, Rifles, Machine Guns, Uzis, AK-47s etc.
- Hedgehogs
- "Your mama" jokes
- Your Mom
- House M.D.'s sarcasm - Declared too unfair.
- Light Sabre
- Chainsaw (Electric)
- Paris Hilton's sex tape
- Swastikas
- Spork - The Spork was declared "too versatile" in 1866.
- Any form of flower arranging. Even if it involves Pretty Begonias.
- Urine - R. Kelly tried this in his battle against a teenage girl in 2002, but was banned a year later due to being unsanitary.
- Marmite
- Vin Diesel - too unfair, you'd win every time
- WWF style folding chairs
- Ninjas - Ninjas are not weapons.
- Poop - Charlton Heston's controversial "House of The Thousand Flying Poop" attack did not go down well with the crowd.
- Zeppelins - Despite a very long and costly legal case by Hitler, Zeppelins were eventually decided to be: 1. Not weapons, 2. Ridiculous, and 3. Not practical for use in The Thunderdome. This resulted in Germany boycotting the The Thunderdome for 30 years, until Vin Diesel graciously challenged Hitler to an illegal Zeppelin race in 1963, which Hitler lost.
- Poison blowdart
- Acid bath
- Balloons - Hitler's attempt to sneak Zeppelins disguised as party balloons past the inspectors lead to an outright ban on all balloons in 1965.
- Fat people
- The Gimp from Pulp Fiction
- The Pope - he has like, G-D n his side and you do not wanna anger him. Do you?
- scissors - too dangerous to use, fighters often wounded themselves while running.
Hall of Famous Match Reviews[edit]
- Nelson Mandela vs. Stig of the Dump (Feb 1986) - Rumour had it that Nelson was a bit hung over in this bout (after a night with 5 whores and a crack cocaine/Jack Daniels/porn binge) but it certainly didn't show on matchday! Nelson chose the 2-handed battle-axe as his 'tool' and Stig went for the more traditional option of a petrol chainsaw. Stig took the early advantage by slicing off an ear and some of the skin off Mandela's face but Mandela responded by ramming the shaft of his axe into Stig's neck and forcing him back onto the wire fence and slamming him into it. Stig countered that by conjuring up a wild horse from absolutely nowhere and started riding around the ring tiring out the hung-over South African. Mandela took his time and after 12 minutes he swung his axe with deadly precision and chopped the front two legs of Stig's horse which sent the stumbling smelly pikey flying into the fence and down to the floor bleeding. Stig flipped out and ran towards Mandela, chainsaw buzzing but the petrol ran out on his chainsaw's ass and he was left impotent as Nelson administered a clean, brutal blow to his collar bone, shattering it and killing the poor gypo. Instantly: Mandela turned into a Protobadger and scuttled off to his island to resume his plans for world peace.....
- Chuck Norris vs. Chuck Norris (June, 2081) - Finally, after much debate, Chuck decided that the only way to find out if he had any fatal fighting flaws was to pit two clones of himself against eachother in The Thunderdome. Each of them were given chainsaws to start. As the two monoliths clashed chainsaws the crowd went wild. Wild slicing and dicing caused a few nicks and scrapes, but the two Chucks were unable to do any serious harm to one another for some time. Finally one Chuck told the other Chuck that his shoelace was untied and killed him with a roundhouse kick to the face. Chuck learned two important lessons that day: That he must never wear shoes with laces again, and that his own kick was his only true weakness.