The Korean Cyborg Manual To Ultimate Breakdancing
“This book made my head spin… I am such a funny guy… Funny guy”
The Korean Cyborg Manual To Ultimate Breakdancing is an in depth study of dance, more specifically breakdancing. It was compiled many ages ago and has aided, much like HIV, in allowing Koreans to excel in this masterful display of rhythm, momentum and space time continuum.
Origins Of The Manual[edit]
The Korean Cyborg Manual To Ultimate Breakdancing originated from what we now know as the borderline between North and South Korea. In the year 2040678 b.c. Hong 10's great ancestor Hong e^iΠ created the guide using only a string of mint dental floss and a lino mat measuring 5 metres long by 7 metres wide. He conveyed his dancing technique through rhythmic dance (he appreciated the irony of the situation) and a guide 2078 pages long was born. By the end of the dance his lino mat measured 7 metres long by 5 metres wide. He buried the guide in the soil and told only his true Korean Cyborg ancestors of the guide.
To this day Korea has dominated the art form known as breakdancing. However until the early 2000’s the Korean Government had decided to keep this unique, mind imploding skill under wraps until the world was ready to deal with it. Now you can see many Korean Cyborgs wandering the street, do not be fooled by their nerdy, unattractive appearance: at the slightest sound of a breakbeat they will transform into a Breakdancing machine that will destroy any feeble opposition that chooses to stand in its path.
The Manual’s current location[edit]
The Manual was last seen somewhere in the depths of teh Interweb. Unfortunately it was stuck there with glue or some shit…
Extracts from the Manual[edit]
Unfortunately due to the Manual’s elusive nature and the interference of Ultra Jesus and many world events, few extracts of the amazing guide have been uncovered, the known one’s are listed below.
The Following are extracts from the Korean Cyborg Manual To Ultimate Breakdancing:
Quadruple Reflexive Wrist Airtrack to Chair Baby Flares[edit]
(a.k.a The Super Nintendo Korean Cyborg Trax)
- Step 1. get into your patronising "American BBoy Stance"
- Step 2. Enter your airtracks as per the norm
(The In-between steps were unfortunately lost in teh bboy fire of 198Π along with several of the final steps.)
- Step 67. Once you have broken the space time continuum temporarily rotate your left rotor cuff in a clockwise direction. Note: while doing this, any movement of the upper deltoid would cause a rift in the continuum.
...
- Step 74. Now dislocate your left shoulder and make sure the polarity of the molecules contained within the cartilage does not shift more than 1eV.
…
- Step 192. From this position you should feel the quarks contained within your upper torso lagging slightly, this can be combated with a slight increase in power from the frontal portion of your mechanical brain stem.
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- Step ???. ... Note: In this situation your right leg can be used as a flotation device.
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- Step 492. Once you have slayed the dragon and rescued the princess you must reveal the blue key and take it to the red door. Make sure your speed at this point in time is not so great as to alter the wavelength of the light and make a green door appear red. Yes I understand the semantics of situations such as these have been programmed into you, I am simply restating them.
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- Step -3?. Now you have completed the "Chair Baby" aspect of the move, make sure to be facing East as to not alter the motion of the Earth relative to the Sun.
Korean TopRock[edit]
- Step 1. Step forward with the left leg
- Step 2. Step backward with the left leg
- Step 3. Step forward with the right leg
- Step 4. Step backward with the right leg
- Step 5. Step forward with the left leg
- Step 6. Step backward with the left leg
- Step 7. Step forward with the right leg
- Step 8. Step backward with the right leg
… It seriously went on like this for about 18 pages.
Clockwise Spinning Flag To Counter-Clockwise Elbowspin To Halo[edit]
- Step 1. Begin by placing left hand on the ground slightly to your right.
- Step 2. Using the hydraulics contained within your upper torso, realign yourself for maximum balance sans feet.
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- Step 17. Arch your back slightly to avoid the overall strain of the change in spin lying only on the upper tricep.
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- Step 56. Once the cooling process has finished, try and avoid any movement of the still active parts of your body. This will encourage the other particles to remain at 0K and allow you to place the upper part of your cranium to the surface of the floor without the interference of friction.
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- Step 192. Re-link your spine to your ribcage and release the tension contained within your lower sternum for maximum torque.
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- Step 271. Avoid making eye contact with God…
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- Step 319. Make sure to keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times.
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- Step 342. Return your left foot to the ground and make sure to stand still momentarily to let those who are observing come to grips with what they have just witnessed.
Reasons Why You Should Not Attempt To Read This Book[edit]
- You may become tempted to attempt one of these moves. This will inevitably result in one of the following occuring:
- Koreans may come to your door and steal your women, children and technology.
- North Korea might tell South Korea that you aren’t very cool. DO YOU WANT THAT TO HAPPEN?
Reasons Why You Should Attempt To Read This Book[edit]
Look, if you’re reading this it’s likely I can’t stop you.