System of a Down

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
This is not the metal rock band. It is the day shift at the Armenian border checkpoint at Yeghegnadzor.

System Of A Down (SOAD) is a metal rock band that conquered the Antarctic and freed the polar bears. The band comprises five individuals: Serj Tankian, Daron Malakian, Shavo Odadjian, John Dolmayan--about which, see below--and also a robot that writes all the music and lyrics, and plays all the instruments. The latter is from Earth, but the other four are from a planet called "Armenia." Their fans are weird and can't decide whether or not yellow is the coolest colour.

SOAD write songs that make no sense to the casual listener, but I for one know they have a hidden meaning. For example, the song Chop Suey is not really about chop suey. It's about how angels deserve to die. Well, don't they? These lyrics make SOAD trve metal, and totally kvlt. It's not bvllshit like that Nickelback crap on the radio. It's real mvsic, 'cause it has a hidden meaning.

In the early days, the band was trying to find the path to trve serenity. Daron expressed this in the lyrics to Vicinity of Obscenity. I quote:

Banana banana banana banana
Terracotta banana terracotta terracotta pie.

To the casval listener, the lyrics seem to be about bananas or pie, but they're not. They have a hidden meaning like all other SOAD songs. It's what makes them trve metal.

Past members[edit]

The list of people who played in this band and then continued their musical careers far away from SOAD is huge. The main reason they left SOAD was the constant and painful headache that hit everyone who:

  • Doesn't play/like/listen to speed metal.
  • Is not Armenian, or doesn't know where Armenia is, which is not unusual.
  • Is afraid of guys with big brows and beards.
  • Is afraid of big and loud amplifiers and speakers.
  • Is not a Communist.

A drummer named Ontronik Andy Khatchutarian left SOAD because his name was too kvlt for them.

Present members[edit]

The list of musicians who are still in SOAD is much smaller, but here it is.

One of the world's best at emitting sounds comparable to a roaring bear eating several rabbits at once--not to be confused with singing.

He is the guy with the afro, punching invisible targets with the free hand while holding the microphone in the other.

One of Armenia's best players of a traditional instrument called Kokkanhür. The Kokkanhür is known as the divine instrument, according to the musical expert Dr. Somebodyian. Daron Malakian calls his instrument Cock, as an abbreviation of the complicated old Armenian term.

He is the one holding something really colourful and possibly dangerous--this is his cock--and spinning all around the stage, vibrating at high frequencies and releasing scary sounds. Not to be confused with singing. He entertains his fans with masochistic dives off the stage.

  • John Dolmayan

Almost nothing is known about him, except that he plays booms. He is the guy wearing a smock even at +40°C while his companions jump around the stage wearing just cowboy boots, bunny ears and hand-gloves.

  • Shavo Odadjian

One of Armenia's best bass guitar players who wear spike bracelets--in this case, because of his self-injuring tendencies. He often uses telekinesis to play at high speed. In his free time, he works as a disc jockey. He also plays with a videocamera from 1908 and then claims that he is a video director for many popular bands. He is currently working with RZA from The Wu-Tang Clan.

He is the bald guy with the 12-foot-long beard and the constant "stoned" look, which is one hell of an act.


  • In Soviet Russia, albums grab YOU! (1998)
  • We've renamed Hollywood, again (2001)
  • Please, take this album to the counter and pay for it (2002)
  • What the hell is in this picture?! (2005)
  • What the hell is in this picture?! pt.2 (2005)