Daron Malakian
“Why didn't I think of using friends to shave my beard?”
“Why are we hated for expressing our feelings and being unique?”
Daron Malakian was the guitarist, sub vocals and song writer for System of a Down. He wasn't even listed as a member in the band until the third album when he had written a song (critics were encouraging that he should try to do a hell of a lot better). Back in the days, Serj Tankian would shave Daron's beard and look after his appearance until Daron rebelled, which caused the band's hiatus. He is also known for inventing Zip-loc bags, but is hardly recognized for it because super gangster Bill Clinton claims he came up with the idea first.
Daron Malakian once had lunch with Walt Disney. From that point, he wrote his songs in hopes that they would appear on upcoming Disney films. This era brought songs such as, "Violent Pornography", and "She's Like Heroin".
The "Emo" Stage[edit]
The band started when the members of System of a Down were all in the local bar drinking malt vinegar as they do to get their distinct vocal sound, when they were shocked to find that Daron was the only one born in America. A drunken scuffle on the floor between Serj and Daron broke out when Serj claimed he would stop smoking marijuana. Daron declared he could no longer work with Serj, forcing the band into hiatus. Daron secretly plotted to avenge Serj by creating his own wonderful band. "I'll show you!" he said. Serj and Shavo laughed in his face, "John, remember that time we smuggled the pot scented comic books in from Mexico and I bailed you out?" "Yeah?" replied John. "I'm calling in the favor, now come with me to Broadway!"
Serj and Shavo laughed in their faces and drank vinegar. This is how Scars on Broadway was founded, before being dismissed two days later.
After splitting up[edit]
Daron ended up in an emotional stabiliy clinic, before escaping and learning the arts of "Hobo" from a man on the street. He found bandmate John in a back alley and said "Let's restart Scars on Broadway!" John agreed but insisted that he get minimum wage. Daron took all of the credit and was allowed to keep the beard. He was oddly adamant about the beard.
Serj went solo and wrote strange songs, wearing a white Abe Lincoln suit in a Children's Park for a disturbing music video, before he was sued for copying Michael Jackson and drowned in a ball pit.
Present[edit]
Daron Malakian has a piece of paper saying that he isn't emo and never was. Yet, the skeptics remain. Since cancelling the SOB tour, he has fallen out of public view. Some claim that he moved to Amsterdam (for the weed), but the more widely accepted of these is that he was kidnapped by psychotic fangirls and has been held captive for their pleasure.
Out of nowhere, Daron re-appeared and released a new Scars on Broadway album. Experts claim that Daron opened a time rift from 2009 to 2018.
Games that feature Daron[edit]
1996 - Super Mario 64, Daron was believed to be a possible unlockable character in the game, as a plaque in the courtyard that rumoured to say "They Say I'm All About To Come", however the meaning isn't clear. This according to a long-lost uncle who claimed to work for Nintendo, who incidentally looks suspiciously like Daron.
2009 - Guitar Hero Fan Edition. Neversoft decided that the only way to create a decent Guitar Hero game was to listen to the fans. It featured every Dragonforce song in existence and a couple of System of a Down songs, but not Scars on Broadway.