Super Monkey Ball

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Super Monkey Ball is a video game originally made for the Nintendo Gamecube. It was later released on the PlayStation 2 console. The main objective in the game is to safely guide your monkey, which is inside of a transparent orb, to the goal. What many people don't know is that this video game is based on real-life events that took place in Japan.

Ancient monkey ball tournaments[edit]

A comparable effort led to a similar game called Monkey Jar.

Feudal Japan is the time period in which half of all anime series take place (the other half being in futuristic space colonies or the like). In this era, warrior monks played a game to determine who could join the ruling council. The object was to first catch a live monkey, knock it out, then seal it inside a transparent sphere. The monks would place the orbs on dangerous courses full of deadly obstacles and try to guide them through telekinesis. Unfortunately, most warrior monks could not complete the course, for they had Tourette's Syndrome and would violently shake, losing their concentration, and hurdling their monkeys to their dooms—usually involving sharp objects or things that exploded—and sometimes falling from great heights. But luckily for some of them, the monkey gods granted them three tries, with a bonus try to the ones that collected enough bananas. But the bananas were sometimes not easily reached. Gwen Stefani, the banana queen, enjoyed watching the monkeys suffer and often placed the magical bananas where the monkeys were most likely to succumb to the traps and obstacles.

A primate's sign-language studies are interrupted as he is told it's his turn next.

The few monkeys that did make it were disoriented and dizzy from all the spinning, making it virtually impossible for there to be a winner. Thus the famous warrior monk Richard Simmons decreed that the monkeys should be thrown into boiling water and stewed. Players would eat the monkeys, always saving some for Gwen Stefani.

The warrior monks whose monkeys finished all 100 grueling courses were given the highest honor and their names were engraved in the Hall of High Scores. The original monkey ball tournaments no longer exist today, but the video game preserves the renown of this lost era. Gwen Stefani, incidentally, went on to become a famous singer for the successful group No Doubt before she left to pursue a solo career. Hits like Hollaback Girl that obsess over Japanese girls propelled her to the top of the charts. Unfortunately, her talent died as her solo career was born, and only people with a real sense of crap can resist her new music.

Variations of the game[edit]

In some countries with high monkey populations, the game is played with an actual primate's testicles. The whole town gathers after a fruitful monkey hunt on either side of the town's High Street. The mayor begins the festivities and the contestants start hurling monkey scrotums at one another. The game ends when one of the womenfolk is impregnated.

See also[edit]