Stephen Malkmus

Malkmus signalling 'peace', 2001

Stephen Joseph Malkmus (born January 1, 0 AD in The Land of Chocolate) is a Native American religo-cultural choco-phenomenon, indie rockstar, and a licenced plumber.

In folklore

Stephen Malkmus is a popular phenomenon in Native American culture, on par with the Crow. His likeness, or spirit can be found almost anywhere in Native American art, from Story Poles (Totem Poles) to Moccasins. He is believed by historians to be an entity that has always been, since the dawn of time.

Malkmus first became known to the Europeans in 1645, when explorer Gaylord S. Clubb discovered a carved Malkmus Pole on Grouse Mountain, British Columbia, Canada. He inquired to a Native American friend what the pole meant, and was told it was a story pole, which depicted the birth of Malkmus in 0 A.D. Malkmus is said to have flown down from the highest cloud in the sky, laden with Chocolate. The chocolate sustained the native peoples for a harsh winter, which became known as the Winter of Malkmus.

Malkmus Pole, Seattle, WA.

After the winter, Malkmus himself disappeared from sight, though his spirit and presence remained with the Native Americans, inspiring beautiful artwork and writing. A personal Malkmus Pole is said to bring protection upon the bearer, and even a whole houshold when it is displayed above a doorway. Every winter, the First Nation peoples of Canada celebrate The Feast of Malkmus, a 5-day long tribute to Malkmus, which includes dancing, singing, and mass consumption of chocolate. Stone Cold Steve Shelley often retreats from his lair to join in the consumption and musical activities.

In rock music

In the 1980s, a man named Stephen Malkmus formed a rock band by the name of Pavement. The man, born in May 1966, was hailed as the second coming of Malkmus. Followers of Malkmus, 'Malkmites', began to obsessively collect all of his musical work, leading to the unimaginable success of Pavement. Malkmites are known to toss their underwear, which is required to bear the likeness of Malkmus, on stage at the end of each live act.

Greek album cover for Stairway to Malkmus (2002).

Mainstream success skyrocketed for Pavement, (who Malkmus renamed 'Malkmus' in 1995) until 1999, when the other band members grew jealous of Stephen Malkmus' popularity and dashing looks, and all quit. "He was a self-obsessed idiot," said band member Spiral Stairs, "but don't quote me on that." Mark Ibold has only offered "He's a dreamboat, but he's an asshole" as commentary about his ex-bandmate in a cryptic 2000 interview.

Since the dissolution of Pavement/Malkmus, Malkmus has gone solo. His first solo album, Me, Thee, and Malkmus (2001) reached #1 in the U.S. Billboard Charts. It won 'Best Rock Album', 'Best Pop Album', and 'Best Rap Video' at the MTV Music Awards, and earned Malkmus a Grammy.

Spurred on by the success, Malkmus eagerly returned to writing music. The next album, Stairway to Malkmus (2002), spawned 17 #1 singles, and saw Malkmus return to #1 on the U.S. Billboard Album Charts. A study conducted by USA Today concluded that every household in the USA owned a Malkmus album, and over 75% of households owned two Malkmus albums.

Malkmus toured to support Stairway to Malkmus for three solid years, playing a show five times a week. Profits from the tour had grossed over $893(Billion) by the time the tour ended in 2005. He was diagnosed that winter with indieboyitis, the condition given to nineties indie rockers that are unable to age (or in the case of Thurston Moore, become crinkly and red).

Malkmus is currently working on songs for his next album, Straight Outta Malkmus, which is due to be released in 2008. It has already been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize.

In plumbing

Cover for the coffee-table plumbing book, 'Plumbsucker' (2007).

In the spring of 2006, Malkmus received his Licence to Plumb from the prestigious Clown Enema University. The plumbing licence is valid in the USA, The Land of Chocolate, and Holland. Malkmus has been interested in plumbing since 2002, where in New York, he had sexual relations with a female plumber.

Malkmus is planning to open his plumbing business in Atlanta, Georgia. He is currently writing several books on the subject of plumbing- Plumb Sucker is set to be released in the fall of 2007.

Plumbing is not to be confused with Plums, a fruit.

In the future

For such a mythical and timeless creature as Stephen Malkmus, the future is hazy. With all his achievements, where does Malkmus go now? Malkmus has shown interests in many fields. He, and long-time friend Cat power, are reported to be writing a broadway musical about Katie Holmes. "Musicals are good," mused Malkmus in a recent documentary, "but I'd really like to be a surgeon".

Malkmus is considering a Malkmus DVD, which his fans are demanding on many fan websites. "Hmm.. yeah, DVDs. I'll probably make a trilogy or somethin'. No, wait! A quadrilogy! That would be sweet," said Malkmus on the subject, "but I dunno what I'd put on them. I guess I could do a porno."

Discography

Albums

1. Me, Thee, and Malkmus (Malkmus Records, 2001)
2. Stairway to Malkmus (Malkmus Records, 2002)
3. Straight Outta Malkmus (forthcoming)

Singles

1. Whole Lotta Malkmus (from Me, Thee, and Malkmus, 2001)
2. If You Wanna Be My Malkmus (from Me, Thee, and Malkmus, 2001)
3. Malkmusian Rhapsody (from Stairway to Malkmus, 2002)
4. Smells Like Teen Malkmus (from Stairway to Malkmus, 2002)
5. In da Malkmus (from Stairway to Malkmus, 2002)
6. Come As You Malkmus (from Stairway to Malkmus, 2002)
7. Malkmus-Shaped Box (from Stairway to Malkmus, 2002)
8. All Along the Malkmus (from Stairway to Malkmus, 2002)
9. Malkman, Bring Me No More Blues (from Stairway to Malkmus, 2002)
10. Malkmus Haze (from Stairway to Malkmus, 2002)
11. Foxy Malkmus (from Stairway to Malkmus, 2002)
12. Malkmus in the Sun (from Stairway to Malkmus, 2002)
13. Drop It Like It's Malkmus (from Stairway to Malkmus, 2002)
14. My Friend Malkmus (from Stairway to Malkmus, 2002)
15. Oops, I Malkmus'd Again (from Stairway to Malkmus, 2002)
16. Waiting for the Malkmus (from Stairway to Malkmus, 2002)
17. Wouldn't It Be Malkmus? (from Stairway to Malkmus, 2002)
18. Nancy Malkmus (from Stairway to Malkmus, 2002)
19. The Empty Malkmus (from Stairway to Malkmus, 2002)
20. Nobody Does It Like a Malkmus (from Stairway to Malkmus, 2002)
21. Teenage Malkbag (from Stairway to Malkmus, 2002)

EPs

1. Flip, Flop, ROCK! (Malkmus Records/SLR, 2006) Small collection of songs about flip-flops.

Malkmus Conspiracy

'O RLY?', a Malkmus 'exposé', (2004). The book was printed in French, and was never translated. No Americans ever read it.

Some believe that Stephen Malkmus a great big phony, and has milked the success of having the same name as a Native American Religo-Cultural Phenomenon. Anti-Malkmus protest group Malkmus Is Bad, Like O.J (M.I.B.L.O), put forward many arguments in their 2004 book, O RLY?.

One argument is that if you play the french version of Malkmus' song Foxy Malkmus backwards, the chorus;

I wanna take you home, I won't do you no harm, no, You've got be all Malkmus, all Malkmus, Ooh, Foxy Malkmus!

sounds uncannilly like;

I am a great big phony, I lie about it all the time, I am Malkmus, I am Malkmus, Malkus Liar Ooh!

but in fact, when the chorus is played backwards, it sounds a lot more like;

sumklaM yxoF, hoO!, sumklaM lla, sumlkaM lla eb tog ev'uoY, on, mrah on uoy od t'now I, emoh uoy ekat annaw I.

An another argument put forward is the 2nd coming of Malkmus has never actually admitted to being the 2nd coming of Malkmus. This is untrue, however. In a 2001 interview, following the release of Me, Thee, and Malkmus, Malkmus remarked "The massively reported ugly cow deluxe!", which cryptically means "I am the 2nd coming of Malkmus". So there.