Uncyclopedia:Anniversaries/September 1

September 1: Christmas Shopping Season Starts (pictured)

• 13 CE - Jesus becomes the first atheist, killing God after being told that Santa isn't real.
• 1914 - The last passenger pigeon dies in captivity in the Cincinnati Zoo. The taxi pigeon and the bus pigeon promptly file for bankruptcy.
• 1939 - Adolf Hitler plays a dirty trick on Poland.
• 1982 - Lovers of chocolate enjoy life. Chocolate Related Disease fatalities increase.
• 1986 - Santa has a gift for you in his pocket...
• 1989 - Wendy's begins to serve fairies to the masses. They are quickly deemed to be 'too salty' and discontinued.
• 1990 - The single light bulb inside of the Grease Hut begins to flicker periodically. This the extent of the restaurant's Christmas decorations.
• 1992 - The first NFL game of a new era is played: the England Patriots at the Dubai Colts (attendance: 111,223). Emperor George Bush Sr. is angered that all American sports teams left America for Bill Clinton's Eurasia.
• 1994 - The United Nations pass a resolution to prevent the Christmas shopping season from starting prior to the 1st of September. Retailers declare war on UN.
• 1995 - You kill a monkey at the zoo with poisoned bananas, laughing uncontrollably. How dare you.
• 1995 - A midget is stolen from the North Pole and will eventually be raised as an Australian.
• 1996 - Gobber the mathemagician convinces millions that 2+2 does actually equal five. He is quickly hired as a stock brokerage consultant.
• 2003 - Bill Gates buys the Andromeda galaxy for his wife and Alpha Centauri for his son.
• 2004 - It is proven that penguins are the smartest creatures in the universe, but the study report got used to mop up some spilt coffee and they couldn't be bothered to print it out again.