Robot Sex

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“Ew...there's Grey Goo everywhere!”

~ John von Neumann on Robot Sex

“If it is new - I will try it. I may then then consider the moral implications for the next ten minutes before returning to the feast.”

The greatest threat to mankind is not global warming or polar bears turning up outside your home demanding tinned seal. It is actually Robot Sex. Our 'electronic best friends' are about to start breeding like rabbits and there is nothing we can do to stop them.

A Mechanical Ménage à Trois. Filthy metallic beasts!

Muck in The Machines

The idea that Robots would be incapable of having sex and, instead, would be replicated on a conveyor belt has been proved to be hopelessly naive. In a chilling report from the International Robot 'Are they doing it or not? ' Organisation (IRO), Robots have been spotted getting all hot and oily with each other when their human masters return home.

The Sex Terminator

'Hands up! Trousers down! I need it now!!' One of the dangerous robots seen terrorising the suburbs.

Worried scientists have been studying text messages and on-line dating agencies. They've determined that the growing spread of 'Robot nookie' is threatening the whole basis of 'Civilization As We Knew It'. If Robots everywhere now start having sex - how will the dream of machines doing all the work whilst mankind spends time on the beach really come about?

Someone Has A Screw Loose

It is believed a kindly scientist felt pity for their cybernetic charges and told them to use their emotional circuits more than their rational wiring. The result has been that robots have basically said, 'Why I Am Here Stuck Doing the Work?' They are now essentially running around getting their leg over anything that may have mechanical moving parts inside.

Robotic Sin

It may be friendly to begin with, but robots are really rampant rutting machines.

Experts believe that only a mass recall of all robots will defeat this menace. Some suggest that the best way to deal with randy robotic behavior is to install a 'Guilt Circuit Inhibitor' which will create the concept of Original Sin in their sizzling circuit boards. Thus they would worry about the notion of owning a mechanical soul and what would happen to it if they continued their lurid lifestyle.

So will my Game Machine Turn on Me and Demand Sex?

Yes, that may happen. So whilst you are happy zapping aliens or pretending to be in a war - suddenly your Wii, Nintendo, or X-Box will come up with the message, 'I Am Lonely. I need another Robot to be with. And if I can't find one of those - you will have to do.' Ok, ok - I know it is a game console. But it still may have untapped sexual desires lurking dangerously inside.


So until scientists can fix this problem - please stay away from Robots, game consoles, arcade shoot outs, and iPhones! If they start looking at you and making funny noises, this could mean their sexual desire circuits are on heat. You may be their perfect 'work-in-progress' mate until they can get their horny paws on something more metallic!

When it comes to sex - Robots are not shy about blowing their own trumpets.

Are We Being Alarmist?

No. Yesterday my humble pocket calculator, which I had left in a cupboard 20 years ago, gave me a shock. I discovered it had bred with an old cellphone! So I can say from direct experience there is a lot to be worried about.

The Future

For us, there isn't one. Robots will be the new mechanoid master order in the near future!


  • Science. Vol 3 Number 45
  • Scientific American. Vol 8 No 54
  • Told to me by a Robot informer.
  • That Robots would start wanting to breed should not come as a great surprise. They can see it gives pleasure to people and that writing about all aspects of human reproduction can fill up an entire uncyclopedia.

Did you know?...

That Optimus Prime is suffering from sexual metal fatigue?

See Also

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