“Like with anal sex, remember to use lubricant, to avoid rusting your partner when you soak them with your tears of loneliness, or your soon to be ex's tears of jealousy when they see you fucking a synthetic supermodel sex slave all day instead of them.”
A robosexual is a term used to identify people who find themselves sexually aroused by presence or mere thought of the deliciously angular proportions of a man-made contraption designed to assist in the execution of tasks necessitating strength, danger, or a total immunity to the effects of mind-numbing interminably dull repetitive tasks. Such as sex.
Robosexuality and the Law
Even if you are a practicing robosexual, the penalties for such activities in today's increasingly liberal societies are disappointingly slim. Many was the time in decades gone by in which immediate electrocution was the only respite for a group of people reviled by society in part for their appreciation of mental arithmetic and advanced-level physics, but mainly for their ability to calculate with a percentage error of less than 0.01% the actions necessary for getting laid just about every night. In view of this obvious affront to civilised society, in cases where robosexuality could be proven, the automatic penalty of a damn good seeing too became standard fare.
Robosexuals enjoy the benefit of rich and varied sex lives, largely because of the sheer quantity of orifices their beloved may contain, and the ease with which these may be removed, cleaned, or indeed replaced with new orifices or other robots.
So You Think You Might Be A Robosexual
It's no skin off my nose that you are a screaming girder bender with no more right to live on God's good earth than a brown-coated, white-bellied, high latitude-moulting, predatory, slender-bodied, SEX LORD. You are dirty and you are sick and you are the bane of every God-fearing man and woman in Christian-hood, and I want you.
That said, you are here because you have doubts. You want to know for sure if Scientology is the life for you. Well we've come up with some questions for you to answer. Answer them truthfully and we shall together get to the pert, brushed steel bottom of your depravity:
- Have you ever caressed your wingnuts while reading Popular Mechanics?
- Do you enjoy watching robots on TV (especially if they are performing menial tasks / lubricating themselves / insert misc. robot pun here)?
- Have you ever owned a toy robot? That you didn't repeatedly pleasure yourself with? Eh? Oh, come on!
- Have you ever owned a real industrial robot? Did you insist that it perform menial household tasks wearing a french maid outfit while you pleasured yourself with an induction loop?
- Ever spent so long loading and unloading a washing machine or dryer that you needed to put the then sin-stained clothes you happened to be wearing at the time straight back into it?
- Ever trembled sensually at the thought of the slutty factory robots that made your car washing it for you in bikinis?
- Ever hear a microwave "ping" and then immediately have a little something in your scrotal area go "ping" in response?
- Ever fucked a toaster? Not even a little bit?
- Does the advice "Don't stick your finger into the electrical socket!" mean the same as "Don't have sex with strangers!" for you?
- Do you prefer the metallic Cylons to the supposedly sexy human femaloid ones?
- Did you buy Aerosmith's album "Play", frame the cover, and then throw away the CD that came with it because you had buggered your CD player into a useless pile of scrap metal?
- Does your dildo always have to have A.I., heat-seeking guidance systems, bio-metric locks and GPS?
- Do you fiddle fruitlessly with a Playstation for more than three hours per day?
- Do you own a Roomba? Does its patented suction action keep your every crevice free from grime?
- Do people that know you see you with a computer catalogue and say: "Looks like the swimsuit edition came in."?
If you have answered mostly yes to the above questions, it's time to either robotomize yourself or apply for a construction job in a Citroen Factory.