Statutory rape

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Yet another statue falls victim to statutory rape.

Statutory rape is the act of performing sexual activities with a statue, sculpture, or other work of art without its consent. Because the majority of statues are unable to speak or otherwise communicate, practically all sex acts performed with statues can be considered rape.


The poor thing. Look how it's suffering.

The first recorded instance of a statue being raped dates back to 375 BC in Athens, when Chuck E. Cheese was caught thrusting his tool into a life-size statue he was making of the young woman who lived next door. Unfortunately, her husband, a high-ranking public official, was heavily offended by the inappropriate display of affection and ordered that the lonely sculptor be sacked. In order to prevent this from happening again, the people of Athens forbade people from having sexual relations with inanimate objects. The resulting collapse in the emerging sex toy industry forced the law to be repealed and amended to only restrict sex with statues. Relieved were statue lovers and safe sex fans alike.

Following the Christian conquest of the Roman Empire, many followers of Christianity revolted against the sex toys of Rome. One of the many practices which they forbade was the creation of statues that depicted nudity due to the high rates of sex with statues. Until the end of the Middle Ages nearly a millennium later, the rape of statues was virtually non-existent.

During the Renaissance, a rebirth of Classical art led to the creation of new paintings and sculptures. At the same time, many people began secretly having intercourse with various works of art, usually without consent. One famous statue which has been reportedly raped was Michelangelo's David. The statue's famous depiction of male genitalia led to many people, mostly women and gay men, having sexual fantasies about his rock-hard features. For some people, merely fantasizing about the statue was not enough, leading to the statue's repeated rape. As a result, the statue had to be guarded constantly by the popes brigade to keep David from being raped.

In modern times, largely due to relaxed attitudes towards sex, combined with the advent of the internet, people having sex with inanimate objects is becoming more commonplace. Sex with statues is no exception, although most people who practice it do so in secret due to statue rights activists' outcries against non-consensual contact with sculptures. Some statues unfortunately cannot talk, thus can't really try to stop the horrendous act themselves, such as George W. Bush.

Hands off.


Many statue lovers claim the act should not be a crime because statues are unable to feel pain. However, statue activists feel that statue loving is immoral because statues are able to feel pain but suffer in silence.

Some extremely radical defenders of the criminalisation of performing sexual acts on statues claim that because statues often portray actual people who are living or have once lived that having sex with those statues amounted to having sex with the persons which they bear the likenesses of, which is of course a large part of the statutory rape rush. Unfortunately, these claims backfired, leading to many people creating statues modelled after famous celebrities then performing sexual acts on the statues so that they could claim that they had sex with famous people. In more extreme cases of statutory rape people have made statues of themselves and then proceed to have sex with them. People against staturory sex say this also is immoral, but supporters say this is the best option because it is virtually masturbation. The U.N. is soon to decide whether it is a war crime for dictators to have sex with statues, and then behead them.

People just can't keep their hands off the ring

In the Film Business[edit]

Many romantic comedies, mostly directed by Chuck Norris, have portrayed the love for statues and other inanimate object. One of the first groundbreaking titles was Lord of the Rings which follows multiple characters falling in love with the ring, then throwing in Mt. Doom because no matter what the ring still loved Sauron the most. Also recently John Travolta fell in love with John Travolta's Hair and the two are reportedly having a romantic getaway to Canada to see the tapdancing toupees.

There are also a few horror films that have been created, mainly from Finland and Ohio. Such as Revenge of the Chair and its' 5 sequels, in which a deranged chair comes to life to collapses on anyone who dares sits on it. It won 1000 Oscars.

Statutory rape has been in the porn business since the beginning of time, and has a very fruitful beginning, beginning with the great sculptors or yesterday and continuing today with such people as Hitler, and John Lennon.

Fox News not only is known for raping statues, but their interns as well


Some Islam extremist groups do not approve this type of rape, but otherwise it's accepted by all religion(most Islamic groups enjoy traditional rape). It is only illegal in California because it has the possibility of STD's. Other then that most critics give it a thumbs up, except Ted Turner who refuses to believe that people make love to statues(according to Family guy he takes part in bestiality).


  1. Granite is usually the softest
  2. You only have .001% chance of getting aids
  3. Bonus points for doing it in public!
  4. Statutory rape should not only be accepted it should be mandatory
  5. Videotaping your sexual encounters with statues gives helps get rid of the stigma of statutory sex.

See also[edit]