Robert Levis
Fr. Robert J. Levis, aka "Fr. Bob," (7023 BC-2000 BC, 342 AD-1612 AD, 1880?-?) is a balding, octagenerian, self proclaimed religious extremist, senior citizen, homophobic, mildly-senile, Roman Catholic priest from Erie, Pennsylvania. He is also co-host of the wildly famous ESVN television programme, Warp of Faith.
Early life
Very little is known about Fr. Robert J. J. Levis's early childhood. According to his offical biography most of the original paperwork was destroyed after the second great flood that took place in upstate Pennsylvania in the summer of 1882. Sources say that Fr. Bob Levis reincarnated several times. In his past, he was a Pig, a Flea, a Sofa, and a Goodyear tire. His father, Noah Levis, had a vision that Jesus Christ told him that he was going to flood upstate Pennsylvania for its "wickedness." Those in upstate Pennsylvania had the reputation of having sexual relations without a white bedsheet with a hole cut in the middle, separating husband and wife. The Lord said that this was an abomination and that the village must be destroyed. Noah Levis, an upstanding citizen of the village, diligently used white bed sheets (sometimes red ones when he was feeling kinky) with a holes cut in the middle while having intercourse with his wife.
Pleased with Noah Levis' faithfulness, the Lord instructed Noah Levis to construct a dinghy completely made out of popsicle sticks, if he wanted to save himself and his family from the impending flood. He was to take this dinghy onto Lake Erie with two of every kind of animal as well as other faithful Catholics in his area. After 25 minutes, Noah Levis felt that constructing this dinghy was too difficult and decided that he was going to become Episcopalian because it is, "Basically Catholicism without the guilt."
Legal Troubles
Despite Father Robert J. Levis's saintly upbringing, he had is run ins with the law. When Robert Levis was 8, he was arrested and convicted for stealing his neighbour's dandelions. He was going to use the dandelions as a gift to the statue of the Virgin Mary outside his family church. He maintained his innocence, claiming that the "Virgin Mary told me to do it." At trial, he was convicted and sentenced for obstruction of justice and theft. Robert Levis appealed the conviction on the grounds of discrimination, claiming that both anti-Catholic Liberals and anti-Catholic Conservatives were in the jury and that he was not guaranteed a fair trial. He also accused the Judge, Barney the Dinosaur, of being a homosexual because he had purple coloured skin and demanded a retrial.
He hired Bill Donahue from the Catholic League and successfully sued the State of Pennsylvania on the grounds of discrimination and anti-Catholicism. He was awarded a retrial since it was discovered that the jury had 3 Unitarian Universalists, 2 Episcopalians, 1 Methodist, and a handful of Born Again Christians. Robert Levis stated that they were all anti-Catholic. When he went to retrial, the jury was made up of completely Roman Catholics. They found him guilty again, and Robert Levis accused his new jury of being Anti-Catholic as well since they all went to churches where priests faced the congregation instead of facing the altar. Robert Levis was sentanced to say 1,000 rosaries for stealing 3 dandelions and stepping on two. His sentence was lessened just to 10 Hail Mary's and 10 Our Fathers when it was discovered that the dandelions were in fact, thistles with yellow flowers.
Education
Father Levis completed his undergraduate school work, Summa Cum Laude, at the Downstairs Pontifical Academy for the Ultra-Orthodox Study of Roman Catholic Theology Correspondence School (Based out of Walla Walla, Washington). He majored in Homophobia and Hate Studies where he focused his Senior Thesis on "Belittling and Making Fun of Those Who Struggle with Homosexuality and other Sexual Sins," becoming a world reknown expert on the subject. He later went on to do graduate work at the Most Holy Rosary Academy for the Ultra, Ultra, Ultra Orthodox Roman Catholic of the Third Degree School of Theology-Tombstone, Arizona Campus (Right behind the Waste Management Dumpster on 8th Street). This time, he took a Master's Degree course focusing his studies on Erotic Relgious Art. He studied how priests and nuns could incorporate modern-day pornography into relgious art, making statues of Jesus, David, and Saint Teresa, etc as musuclar and erotic as possible, without making anyone the wiser. His Master's Thesis, entitled, "Michaelangelo's David, Past and Present: A Study Of Modern Pornography and Church Art" won him much acclaim. While at school, he was a member of the fraternity Kappa, Kappa, Kappa (KKK for short). He was also elected treasurer of the Hitler Youth Group on campus.
Being an excellent student, Father Levis went on to study law at the University of Phoenix Online, graduating at the bottom of his class. After his 83rd try, he finally passed the Pennsylvania Bar in 2002, right in time to help his fellow priests get out of the Sexual Abuse Scandal. His knowledge of Sexual Immorality and Law helped him win cases for the most perverted of priests out there.
Father Robert Levis also holds Honorary Degrees and Awards from the Following Institutions: Honorary Doctorate from Springfield University (1993). Homer J. Simpson and Mayor Quimby presented him with this award for interfaith dialogue. Mayor Quimby stated, "Father Levis has brought interfaith understanding to new levels. He has brought together Mormons, Muslims, Catholics, Jehovah's Whitnesses, Baptists, Jews, Nazis, the Russian Mafia, as well as every other right winged nut out there in their common hate for homosexuals."
Honorary Doctorate from Benny Hinn's Christ College (1997). Despite their religious differences, Benny Hinn congratulated Father Levis for his legal advice at how to avoid paying taxes and swindling church members. Father Levis also vistited Deacon Ernest Frye's, First Community Church of Philadelphia, from the old 80s show AMEN.
Deacon Ernest Frye and Rev. Dr. Rueben Gregory presented Father Levis with the same piano that was used on the show for his own church after the show was cancelled. Father Levis wanted to play the show's theme song, "Shine On Me" from his offices at ESVN. Father Levis asked Deacon Frye and Rev. Dr. Rueben Gregory for the sheet music before he left. Unfortunately, they told him they did not know where it was and that they were not actually real pastors, they just played them on t.v. They also gave Father Levis their old 1984 Silver Buick that was used on the show's intro. They figured they weren't going to need it anymore. Besides, its missing its front hubcaps and only had 2 miles to the gallon, "So what-the-hell."
Robert Levis won the "Homophobe of the Year Award" for the years: 1940, 1941, 1942, 1943, 1944, 1945, 1946, 1947, 1948, 1949, 1950, 1951, 1952, 1953, 1954, 1955, 1956, 1957, 1958, 1959, 1960, 1961, 1962, 1963, 1964, 1965, 1966, 1967, 1968, 1969, 1970, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1974, 1975, 1976, 1977, 1978, 1979, 1980, 1981, 1982, 1983, 1984, 1985, 1986, 1987, 1988, 1989, 1990, 1991, 1992, 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2006, 2007, and 2008, actually he's won it every year since it started in 1940. But he did not win in 2005, because he accidently walked into a movie theatre and saw 6 seconds of Broke Back Mountain, thus eliminating him from the contest.
Contributions to Catholicism
Fr. Bob, being a traditionalist Catholic, made significant contributions to Catholic Theology. Since 1950, he's lobbied (with little success) the Vatican to finally admit that Catholics do indeed worship the Virgin Mary and put their faith in her for Salvation. Fr. Levis has published over 8 million articles on the subject. Since Levis is open minded only to the conservative interpreation of the Bible, he has used both a conservative and an ultraconservative viewpoint on the matter. So passionate he is on the matter of Catholics should now trust the Virgin Maria as Saviour, he climbed up on the alter at his parish church, St. Mary's Trinity Church, and took down the Jesus statue on the cross and put up a statue of the Virgin Mary being nailed to the Cross. When confronted by other Christian denominations, Fr. Levis has stated, "Come'on, its an open secret we've been worshipping her for centuries." Fr. Levis has also changed the interpreation of the Trinity, claiming the the Virgin Mary now is part of the entire godhead: The Father is really the Virgin Mary, the Son is really the Virgin Mary, and the Holy Spirit is really the Virgin Mary.
Warp of Faith
After Al Gore invented the internet in the mid 1990s, Father Levis stated that he would never allow computers or the internet into any of his church offices because it was "nothing more than the tool of Lucifer." He claimed that the internet was a creation of the Democrats to convert the young and naive Republicans into homosexuals and abortionists and that it should be avoided like the plague. He had a change of heart, however, when he realised that he could conn home bound Catholics and other senior citizens out of their Social Security Checks through the internet, thus Warp of Faith was born.
Warp of Faith is a Question and Answer internet forum based on the servers of at ESVN, otherwise known as Entertainment and Sports of the Vatican Network. Queries are made through the Web Forum and answered on the television programme live. When interviewed by Ramon Arroyo, the neo facist journalist from ESVN, Levis claimed that "Warp of Faith is a treasure of Catholicism. It allows me to bring back the inquisition from the Stone Age to the Modern Age. I am able to judge what church practises are illicit, illegal, and immoral all from my wheelchair in Erie, PA. I am also able to get into people's bedrooms and give them sex advice, despite that I have never had sex with a woman before in my life. (He happily chuckles) But honestly, just between me and you, its also a lot easier to say hateful and mean things from behind a computer screen than face to face with real human beings. Otherwise, I'd probably get my arse kicked."
Uncle Bob's Goofy Quote of the Week
An interesting attribute to Father Levis' programme, Warp of Faith, is his famous, "Uncle Bob's Goofy Quote of the Week." Here, Father Robert Levis uses his soap box to cover all sorts of issues that God Fearing Catholics Should Worry about:
“I know of no sinful priest active today, in any diocese.”
Published Books
- How to Quit Masturbating without Really Trying (First Edition, 1972)
- How to Quit Masturbating without Really Trying 2 (Female edition, 1975)
- Anal Sex for Dummies
- Pruneface, an Autobiography
Feud With Mother Angelica
When Pope John Paul II died in 2005, Father Robert J. Levis felt that it was his time to wrestle the Vatican away from the liberals. He launched his campaign for Pope and made several trips to Rome seeking support. When Mother Angelica heard about Father Levis' politiking, she decided to launch her own campaign to become the first Popess in history. Fr. Levis argued that despite Mother Angelica's facial hair, arm pit hair, uncontrolled belching, and bad breath, she is not a man. He states that the Bible clearly shows that only humans with a penis can hold the office (See Book of Peter Chapter 69: 6-9). Undefeated, Mother Angelica battled on to prevent Robert Levis from becoming Pope. Despite his conservative credentials, membership in the NRA, and hate for Democrats, she still accused him of being a "liberal loon." Taking advice from Anne Coulter, she decided the best way to ruin Levis' attempts at reaching the Papacy was to out him as a homosexual because he never succumbed to her sexual advances. When questioned about the morality of her efforts to out him as a homosexual, she replied, "Its not like he hasn't accused others of being gay before."
Fighting Immorality on TV
By the end of Pope John Paul's funeral it was obvious that neither Mother Angelica nor Father Levis would assume the Papal Throne, they decided to burry the hatchet and join forces against sexual promiscuity on television. Mother Angelica realised that it would be impossible to prove Father Levis to be a homosexual since he hasn't had a real date in over 80 years, with a man or a woman. Joining forces, their first targets were the Kool-Aid Man and Porky Pig. After careful analysis, they both realized that these scandalous characters wore NO PANTS on television! These were even worse than the Abercrombie and Fitch Models, at least they covered their unmentionables. Well, most of the time they did.
After praying on one knee (Father Levis has a bad right knee so he only kneels on the the left, especially when it rains outside, or when he forgets to use Ben-gay, or when he has to stand, or when he has to sit, or when he forgets his cane in the back seat of Deacon Frye's old '84 Buick, well, let's be honest, he's right knee has been bad for 20 years), Father Levis and Mother Angelica started a grassroots campaign to get the Kool Aid Man and Porky Pig off telelvision. After spending 16 hours at Kinko's Copies and $400, they priest-nun duo were only able to get a handful of people on their side. They were, however, able to get celebrity endorsements for their cause, most notably, Mrs. Piggy, Pat Buchanan, Bill O'Reilly, and a half dozen other neo-nazis that lived on fortified anti-government compounds in Montana. Mrs. Piggy said she personally is not against frontal nudity on TV, but she is still angry at Porky for not paying her back after she loaned him $20 in 1976.
Some Useless Facts
- Fr. Bob Levis was responsible for starting a war in 1912 that eventually led to the partition of North and South Dakota. Peace was established on the 38th parallel. The war started when when the Roman Catholics in the North decided to allow women to drive cars. Father Levis accused the North of being too liberal, overrun by butch-lesbians, and simply un-American. He figured that allowing women to drive the brand new Model T would drive them to lesbianism. How? He reasoned that allowing women to drive cars would eventually lead them to drive trucks. And if they were going to drive trucks, they would wear pants. And we all know about women that wear pants, they are all closet lesbians. To this day, faithful Roman Catholic women in South Dakota wear skirts, while the abortion crazed, Stalinst, Clinton-loving, homosexuals in North Dakota wear pants.
- Fr. Bob Levis was the first to experiment with putting anchovies on Pizzas. Fr. Bob Levis was concerned that Catholics who ate pepperoni pizzas during Lent would burn in hell for eating meat on Fridays.
- Fr. Bob Levis was the first to use the word, "wigger." He coined this term when he saw white boys trying to act like black boys.
- As a responsible priest, Fr. Levis has taken his own initiative to stop global warming. In the Diocese of Eire, Roman Catholics are forbidden to eat Bean Burritos at Taco Bell in order to cut anal emissions of gas and other pollutants that might harm the environment. Doing otherwise will guarantee you an extra-hotty-hot place in hell.
- Fr. Bob Levis successfully trained his cat, Tiddles, to use to the toilet just like humans do.
- On a special visit to Mister Rogers' Neighborhoud, Fr. Robert Levis and Mother Angelica started a riot in the Neighbourhood of Make-believe. Fr. Levis accused Lady Elaine Fairchilde of being a closet lesbian and also picked a fight with Daniel the Tiger and told everyone that he was an effiminate feline faggot. Bob Dog, X the Owl, and Cornflake Especially ran the Catholic Duo out of the Neighbourhood of Makebelieve. Later, they found refuge in Westwood under the care of Mayor Maggie.
Memberships
- Freemasons
- Opus Dei
- Skull and Crossbones
- Republican Party
- Nazi Party
- Irish Republican Army
- Liberty Medical
- Triple-A, American Automobile Club
The Dancing Levises
Since Fr. Bob Levis has many magical powers such as forgiving sins (like masturbation) in the confessional and making statues of the Virgin Mary cry blood, Fr. Levis also has the power to multiply himself five-fold when evil is so wicked that only one Fr. Levis will not suffice. In a blink of an eye, Fr. Levis becomes the Dancing Levises just like the Dancing Itos from Jay Leno's clip during the O.J. Simpson Trial in the 1990s. The Dancing Levises usually appear wherever there is devilish wickednes taking place such the Democratic National Convention, Victoria's Secret, the Playboy Mansion, anywhere Barack Obama goes, Mardi Gras Parades, night blubs, gay bars, non-Catholic Television studios, etc. Once the Dancing Levises appear, they start break-dancing, can-canning, praying, singing hymns, and casting down satanic spirits from the area.