Red Bull
“FUCK YYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH RRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBUUUUUUUUUUUUUULLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!”
Red Bull is ENERGY DRINK. Drinking give you ENERGY. FUCK YEAH ENERGY! GRAAAGGHH! Ad slogan says give wings, but it don't give wings. IT GIVE ENERGY!! Red Bull also sell lots of cans. Lots of cans in lots of places. Lots and lots of CANS OF ENERGY! FUCK YEAH ENERGY! FUCK YEAH!
FUCKING HISTORY AAAGGHHH
Red Bull was a drink from Thailand called Krating Daeng. Then a man from Austria visit Thailand and drank some. Better than anti-freeze he said! He got ENERGY! He say FUCK YEAH ENERGY FUCK YEAH KRATING DAENG, but also say FUCK YEAH AMERICANIZING THE ORIGINAL THAI NAME, and energy drink was renamed RED BULL for world market. FUCK YEAH GLOBAL ECONOMICS! Now whole world drinking Red Bull for ENERGY! FUCK YEAH! Made Austrian man VERY RICH and now runs faster than FORMULA ONE cars!
HEALTH
Some say Red Bull bad. What's wrong, PUSSY MEN-WOMEN NO LIKE ENERGY? I say FUCK YEAH ENERGY! Others say Taurine bad. Taurine not bad! Independent scientific studies show it. FUCK YEAH INDEPENDENT SCIENTIFIC STUDIES! Pussy men-women also no like caffeine. They say it cause insomnia, dehydration, and heart problems, especially in youth. I say it cause ENERGY! FUCK YEAH ENERGY! What more healthy than energy? NOTHING!
ADVERTISING
Red Bull widely known due to aggressive international marketing campaign. FUCK YEAH AGGRESSIVE INTERNATIONAL MARKETING CAMPAIGN! Red Bull get word out to people who need ENERGY. Company have energy. People have money. They trade and people get ENERGY. FUCK YEAH CAPITALISM! Red Bull own sports teams and sponsor sports athletes. They sponsor people who need lots and lots of ENERGY. Especially people who do EXTREME SPORTS. FUCK YEAH EXTREME SPORTS! Also for some reason sponsor NASCAR. FUCK YEAH BARELY STAYING AWAKE WHILE WATCHING NASCAR FOR THIRTY SEVEN HOURS!
LEGALITY? GRAAAGH!
In some countries, pussy men-women in government make Red Bull illegal. This no good! Who they to say ENERGY is bad? This is why I am libertarian. FUCK YEAH ANARCHO-CAPITALISM!! Some countries that no allow Red Bull are Denmark and Uruguay. Sound like pretty faggy countries to me. Even more faggy now that they no have ENERGY. Oh well, all it mean is more Red Bull for me. FUCK YEAH RED BULL! FUCK YEAH ENERGY!!
INGREDIENTS
Red Bull contain many ingredients. All ingredients contain ENERGY! First is Taurine. Taurine give you ENERGY! Next is caffeine. Caffeine give you ENERGY! Next is carbonation. Carbonation give you ENERGY. Also occasionally give you gas. But mostly ENERGY! Next is water. Water give you ENERGY! Last is sugar. Sugar give you SWEET AND DELICIOUS RED BULL FLAVOR. Also, ENERGY!
COCAINE!?!
One day, someone in China find that some Red Bull from Austria have cocaine in it. COCAINE?????!!!!! Media freak out, and Red Bull banned in Germany. Poor Germany now have to join the girly-men in Denmark and Uruguay. But cocaine findings no mean Red Bull have it here. I no believe Red Bull have cocaine here. The FDA find it, and SMASH COCAINE RED BULL. Plus, I have WAY MORE ENERGY FROM RED BULL THAN I GET FROM COCAINE! FUCK YEAH ENERGY!
LITIGATION!
One day another company try to sell energy drink like Red Bull but call it RED ROOSTER. Is ok, healthy competition in free market. FUCK YEAH HEALTHY COMPETITION IN FREE MARKET! However, they market drink in can like Red Bull's. This where Red Bull draws line. Red Bull almost take them to court, but they back down and settle. Foolish impostors at least do one thing right: KNOW THEY CAN'T FIGHT THE ENERGY OF RED BULL! GRAAAAAAAGH!
ENERGY!
RED BULL HAS IT! FUCK YEAH ENERGY! GRAAAAAAGH!....oh...I need some Nurofen RIGHT NOW...
REFERENCES
Check my garbage bags...need to lie down now. Wait..what did I do with those cans of Monster..MONSTER..I'LL TELL YOU...MONS...TE..RRRR