Reading
“Can I pretend to know what it means?”
“Illiterate? Write for free help!”
Reading (not to be confused with bleeding) is a skill that some humans acquire sometime during their lives.
The precise mechanism(s) involved in "reading" is hotly debated, but most experts agree that reading involves the interpretation of graphic symbols (an "alphabet") which represent various sounds; these sounds, in turn, are thought to represent various objects, abstract ideas, concepts or emotions.
Though daunting enough in these terms, recent research indicates that humanity seems to use multiple alphabets in reading: estimates range from four to eight, a far greater number of alphabets than was previously suspected even by specialists. It remains unclear how one might "translate" words or concepts from one "alphabet" to another; sadly, we might be unable to communicate with most of the earth's population. Additionally, it remains unclear how one might safely reduce the number of alphabets. Attempts at eliminating excess alphabets have been met with strong criticism by the United Nations the resolutions usually containing phrases like "What the hell is wrong with you?! That's Genocide!"
Some are better than others at reading. Such examples of this superiority are hemophiliacs. Hemophiliacs are very good at bleeding and hence have become very good readers. Furthermore reading and bleeding at the same time is not an optimal condition to read under.
Overview[edit]
Reading is an art. You are Reading now. This paragraph. Congratulations! You are a pimp master of this skill. An overview of Reading, in general, is that most people view the page or whatever setting their literature may be presented on paper, sidewalks, or the Bubonic Plague; this latter, of course, is the most popular setting to view a piece of literature.
Rates[edit]
Reading is absolutely (not) free. So go ahead, read your hearts out. Especially if you're a fellow Jew like me. I know how much you like free. (reading may be free in monetary terms, but you run the risk of taking on board the views of those who have written what you are reading, therefore, becoming anything but free. Jews are totally oblivious to this as they only think about money)
Reading assessment[edit]
Every so often, the United Nations assess the validity and usefulness of reading to our society. Last September the UN deemed reading obsolete and ordered an immediate stoppage to all reading. Unfortunately, they were powerless to enforce this mandate, seeing that they can't enforce very much.
Benefits[edit]
Reading does not offer as many benefits as a bowl of Fiber 1. Fiber, as found in large quantities in Fiber 1 cereal, keeps humans regular and, unlike reading, is very important towards digestive health and welfare. However, reading as an opportunity for involuntary fiber injection has been tested by several Islamic extremist groups and is quickly becoming the method recommended by 9 out of 10 doctors. This is thought by some to be a result of the Web 2.0 revolution, which saturated the internet with social-networking sites, similar to fiber in their ability to provide support to digested food without adding nutritional value.
Lighting[edit]
Lighting on the Earth is either produced by the Sun or a light bulb and is completely unrelated to reading. Reading is better with no lighting as it is not visible. This is a proverb in Japan, but is phrased in a much more roundabout and untranslatable manner; Babelfish says that the Japanese are really trying to say, "Warning: Do not touch the computer. Only stare at the blinkenlights and ooh aah."
What reading can do for you[edit]
- Reading gives you knowledge
- Reading causes diarrhea of the brain
- Knowledge causes heart attacks, mainly in cases of unfulfilled middle-aged women reading Romance novels
- Knowledge gives you power
- But power corrupts
- And corruption is a crime
- And crime doesn't pay.
- So, to make a long story short; reading makes you poor and is therefore not Kosher.
- But it will decrease your chances of being eaten by a grue.
Side effects[edit]
Boils, bleeding eyes, rashes on the inner thighs, hostility toward reality television, increased knowledge, and necrophilia.
Reading increases your chances of becoming a Grammar Nazi by up to 20%. This is not to be confused with regular Nazis, who were considerably less angry and violent than a Grammar Nazi becomes when confronted with the improper use of the forms of "your" and "you're."
Reading matter[edit]
The things you might want to read are known as reading matter. That is what they are called, even when they do not matter, such as the National Enquirer or nutrition labels on soup cans. For those readers interested in beginning a regimen of reading, supermarket receipts are a fine place to start. Other sources of reading "matter" are the words inside the bubbles in comic books, or the graffiti in the John, or the "out to lunch" signs hanging on people's doors around 1:15 Thursday afternoon. When you have mastered such easy reading assignments, you could move on to a feature article in a newspaper. Pick up a copy of British GQ - there aren't many words in that.
Wait till the movie comes out[edit]
Don't bother to read anything, ever, before you know it there will be a motion picture of what you read and you will feel quite silly for having read something you could have watched.