Racial Identity Disorders
“♪♪ Whenever I wake up! And put on my make up! I say a little prayer for you, ooo Together, together, we'll be in my heart and I will always love you! ♪♪”
Racial Identity Disorders (or RIDs) concern a patient's belief that he is a member of a different race than he really is. In the United States since 2014, Obamacare requires all insurance policies to cover counseling for cases of RID on the basis of "parity" with Gender Identity Disorder. All such counselors will be paid by the taxpayer, if one should be found.
White People and RIDs
RIDs come in many forms. The most common one, Fred Durst Syndrome, also known as Wigger Disease, is a disorder that affects white people. This disease is usually transmitted through rap songs and hanging around ghetto black people.
As many as 45 million suburban white boys have FDS. Eminem is the poster child for this affliction. Tim Westwood, Ali G, and Kevin Federline are also sufferers. Many of these patients are convinced that they are black. They may begin to wear FUBU, dog tags, and shorts where the crotch is somewhere around the ankles. They may grab their crotch and squeeze really hard as though their genitals were a stress ball. Worst of all, they may listen to rap.
These symptoms are mostly harmless except when they lead to alienation from one's peers. However, the patient may begin to call associates "niggers." Use of this word, which is totally acceptable among black people, is regarded as an automatic "fighting word" when uttered by white folks. Obviously, a person suffering from RID may take his life into his hands.
Fred Durst is by far the most annoying patient. His affliction with RID bores listeners even more than his bouts with erectile dysfunction.
The only known treatment for VIS is to severely beat the infected person, have a group of people point out how stupid they look and laugh at them, or drop them off in the ghetto to sell crack.
African Americans and RIDs
Another RID is Wayne Brady Syndrome. This rare affliction occurs in black people who spend time in the suburbs or school. Another vector is passing a 3rd-grade grammar test, but fortunately, most African Americans need not worry about this method of contagion. Apart from its namesake, famous people who have this disease include Oprah Winfrey, Colin Powell, Condoleeza Rice, and any other African American members of the Bush administration. Patients are often referred to as Oreos as they are black on the outside and white on the inside. However, unlike actual Oreos, they do not taste good nor go well with milk. Believe me. I have tried.
Oreos tend to be nerds and primarily hang out with white people; they also have a Caucasian voice. A cure has not been investigated, as the disease is rare and usually results in entrance somewhere other than a Community College, which, despite the disapproval of the black community, beats staying in Da Hood.
The only known treatment for WBS is to listen to hip hop and rap for 7 days while Fifty Cent force-feeds you fried chicken, pork, Crystal, and Chiclets. The treatment itself is often lethal, as the only way to survive the diet regimen is to transform back to African American.
Asians and RIDs
Asians suffering from RIDs are called Chiggers, an example not of entomology but euphemism. An Asian with RID is identified by trying to be blacker than black while other members of his community successfully act whiter than the white people. To treat this RID, doctors recommend force-feeding rice to the patient. A more radical treatment is radical penectomy (penis reduction, using techniques such as whittling), as this quickly disabuses the patient of any lingering notions that he is black.
RIDs in public service
Several notorious American politicians present for incipient RID. Foremost is President Obama, an off-white mongrel who incessantly calls himself "black" and whose very birthplace varies from dust jackets to court filings. Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton appears to be white, except in the vicinity of Selma, Alabama, where she may launch into shuck-and-jive. "I don't feel no ways tired," she may say, which is language she no ways picked up in Chicago. Husband Bill Clinton reveled in being called "the first black President." The above notes on the risks to the patient's own personal safety do not apply to these sufferers, as they are good on minority issues.