Jesus Juice
Jesus Juice, not to be confused with the drink that was never popularized by former pop star Michael Jackson, is a concoction invented in 1999 by author and lecturer Terence McKenna. As those who remember McKenna know, he had only two loves in his life: The Power of Jesus, and power drinks. Since the invention of Jesus Juice many Catholic parishes and dioceses worldwide have adopted the drink as its new and refreshing Communion beverage.
A Boy, His Dog, And A Dream[edit]
A fan of the widely popular "Pimp Juice" of Nelly fame, Terence wanted to bring to Christ what Nelly brought to rap. He decided to make a power drink called Jesus Juice.
McKenna sat down with his dog and tasted many different power drinks, coming to the realization that he, too, could empower people--but empower them with the power of Christ! After many botched attempts at making a refreshing drink that would allow the average person to walk on water (and McKenna took many a dip in the pool himself during those years), he stumbled across Jesus Juice.
The mistake that makes it great![edit]
While fiddling with his "crucifix" one day, young Terence knocked over a glass of jizz. This drink spilled onto his table came into contact with some young boy ass juice extract that a visiting commie had left lying around, and Jesus Juice was born. Drinking it may not give you the powers of Christ but it sure does make you feel like a god or goddess yourself.
Let there be cults![edit]
Wildly popular amongst the davidians sect of Christianity, the Heaven's Gate comet-travelers, Discordians, and sexual fetishists, Jesus Juice is gaining both a worldwide underground following and unwanted attention from from governments and other party-poopers (See Government cover ups).
The mainstream loves it![edit]
Jesus Juice made its way into the rave club scene and quickly became the drink of choice amongst conscientious Christians and proper pagans. With dance music leading the way, many notable Hollywood types began to drink it as well and a whole new religion was formed around it: Juiceism. The strength of Jesus Juice as a religious tool became so strong that Hollywood Jews and Kabbalahists took up the idea and made it their preferred power drink.
The white man brings it all down, as usual[edit]
Jesus Juice was on top of the world until late 2002, when some snotty nosed kid, obsessed with the pop singer Michael Jackson, took it upon himself to fabricate the concept of drugged up drinks to influence thought. The stigmatism now associated with Jesus Juice was too much to bear. Young Terence sold his company for a mere $50,000, and has since disappeared into obscurity. Ah, though a larf that was, my milk had grown turtlish and was quite green. The structure of my molecules had solidified into pure goatsnake and was noothgrushed onto my foot.
The new owner[edit]
The rights to the drink are thought to have been bought by Blackwater, a wholly-owned subsidiary of Halliburton, which is currently trying to revolutionise 'Tea Time' in England with chemical-scented soft drinks and possibly a new type of Crumpet.
Famous Reviewers[edit]
“Jesus Juice gets the bitches to get down on their knees and "pray".”
“Jesus Juice makes my sperm taste like heaven.”
“I pity the fool who doesn't drink this juice”
“Man, I gotta get me some Jesus Juice, that stuff takes you from the street to the heat.”
| Fear their wrath, and beware their contrived names. If you are still confused about which one you want, you were probably much better off with Original Jesus. | |
| Monster Jesii | |
|---|---|
| Jesusaurus Rex: The tyrant Jesus...lizard | Save yourself from Werejesus! |
| Raptor Jesus: Nazareth Park is frightening in the dark | And they said Jesus rode on a Mule...Nyah!:Llama Jesus |
| Attack of the 500 foot Jesus: Demolishing non-blessed skyscrapers -- New York, watch out! | This Jesus loves your brains...: Zombie Jesus |
| Munchie Jesii | |
| Jam Jesus: With a name like 'Jam Jesus', it has to be good. | Savour the Saviour: Cheese Jesus |
| Jesus Juice: An Energy Drink...IT'S GOT ELECTROLYTES! | Finally, something on a stick the whole family can enjoy!: Sweet Jesus on a Stick! |