Blackwater
 "Blackwater Mercenary Elites for Hire", circa 2004 | |
| Type | loose bands of hired guns and bounty hunters |
|---|---|
| Slogan | "Everything that moves is an insurgent; everything that doesn't is a damn tough insurgent." |
| Established | 1997 |
| Founder(s) | Clint Eastwood's Mule |
| Headquarters | wherever the |
| Industry | spontaneous shoot-outs & good ol' fashioned looting |
| Products | "collateral damages" and assorted charred corpses |
| Revenue | a fistful of dollars |
| Employees | William "Billy the Kid" Bonney, Dan "Dynamite Dan" Clifton, William "Buffalo Bill" Brooks |
| Parent | should really have used birth control |
| Website | BlackWaterUSA.com |
Blackwater Worldwide is the Republican Party's right arm militia group. However, unlike most militia groups, this paticular Christian extremist militia is backed up by a corporate entity, as well as the United States. Blackwater is also officially recognized by the United States Government, which is also notable because most militia groups similar to Blackwater (Hamas) are typically labled as "terrorist" groups. Blackwater is most notably famous for protecting the most hated men in Iraq, such Lewis Paul Bremer III and John Dimitri Negroponte. Blackwater Worldwide is also simultaneously a mercenary company that provides protection services. Blackwater Worldwater is, basically, a company that rents out corporate entity that rents out mercenaries to other corporate entities, such as the United States of America and Halliburton. There is much controversy over what Blackwater is officially recognized as, between civilian, military, Conquistador or Crusader. Currently, Blackwater enjoys total immunity from all prosecutions against its employees and/or corporate entity, which is official United States policy in the form of Order 17.
Blackwater recruits include former death squad team leaders from El Salvador, military government troops responsible for atrocities in Chile, Christian Crusaders form the 11th Century Crusades, and other brainwashed soldiers from Central and South America. All Blackwater recruits are former... "Special"... Forces soldiers.
History[edit]
Erik Prince, a former Navy SEAL, and in earlier life times a former Christian Crusader, former Spainish Inquistor, and now presently Repubican, is the founder of Blackwater USA, now formerly Blackwater Worldwide. Blackwater began as a training facility for Al Clark to train the Bush Repubican guard from retired former "Special" Forces soldiers and banned cricket players. However, Erik being Repubican, boot out Al Clark after he gave basic training to future trainers and turned Blackwater into a mercenary company/militia that would train foreign nationals from South American death squads to European conscripts and send them into New Gay Iraq to pay for Erik's high CIA-jockey salary and Repubican Party contributions.
sidenote: it has been witnessed that rapper Jay-Z can touch objects and make them turn black, hence instantly worthless.
However, Blackwater is not limited to war zones, or even international jobs for the US Government!! After Hurricane Katrina , Blackwater has fled to the rescue (quickly swimming across the Atlantic in record time. See Guinness). There they performed such deeds as looting, blaming the looting on the Black People, arresting the Black People looters, executing Black People looters and selling the organs of deceased Black People looters.
Employment[edit]
Is the military not fulfilling your expectations? Long hours, low pay, not enough recognition for securing the world's remaining oil supply? Well, Uncyclopedia has good news for you!! Blackwater is interested in you, and how much money your dead body can bring the execs at Blackwater!! For further information on possible qualification and inevitable employment, seek the following guide:
Blackwater Recruitment Guide[edit]
The following is a self-test guide to figuring out if YOU are Blackwater material!!
Religion and Ethics[edit]
- Are you a Roman Catholic? If yes, please skip the Religion and Ethics test on the self-test guide, because you are already qualified and one step closer to becoming another happy employee of Blackwater!!. If no, please continue.
- Do you have any problems with forcing your racially and religiously superiority on "others"? If yes, please continue. If no, please lie down on the floor with your hands on your head. The proper authorities have been notified of your location. You have the right to... SCREW IT!! YOU HAVE NO RIGHTS!! AND IF YOU COULD'VE JUST BEEN A DEMOCRACY FREEDOM LOVING CITIZEN LIKE EVERY OTHER PERSON, INSTEAD OF A FUCKING FREEDOM HATING TERRORIST FROM Unamerica!!
Combat[edit]
- Do you have any experience in combat? If yes, please continue. If no, GTFO YOU LIBERAL DEMOCRACY HATING TERRORIST!!
- Are you a retired soldier from a country that has out-standing human rights violations? If yes, please contact Blackwater Human Resources!! You have the exact qualifications needed to become a Blackwater employee!! If not, please continue, as there is one more question that will clarify your pending qualification for employment, or incarceration and trial or deporting, followed by a private, U.S. sponsored "debriefing".
The Question that will Clarify Your Pending Qualification for Employment, or Incarceration and Trial or Deporting, Followed by a Private, U.S. sponsored "Debriefing"[edit]
- Do you currently worship, adulate, exalt, and/or pay taxes to the Emperor George W. Bush? If yes, please contact Blackwater at the soonest possible time!! If no, by the time you read "THIS" you are already dead.
Thank You!![edit]
For participating in the Blackwater's self-test guide to helping YOU figure it if YOU are can help Blackwater make more money from your dead body!!